We have been approved.

I don't expect "the call" for a long while. Yesterday I asked for a sign that this was going to work out. Well I got a phone call today. Panic set in because it is our caseworker. I'm thinking "oh goodness what is wrong now..." It wasn't bad new it was good news. We have officially been approved by the state. Our caseworker called today we could be called any day she says. Until we get the windows fixed (which should be in the next two weeks) we are approved for one child infant-2years old. When the window is fixed we will be approved for 3. Which opens the door to a sibling group. Let the ride of uncertainty begin.

I'm sure getting the call that you have been matched, approached about fostering, a certain situation that could lead to your forever family is awesome. I really hope that day comes. :) 

If you wonder why I haven't posted in this blog it is because I have switched to the blog named "Forever Love" all about our road down this path of adoption.  I will come back to this as things happen. 

More Songs about Adoption

All of me - Matt Hammitt

Your Song - Elton John 

Who Loves You - Four Seasons

When you come back to me again - Garth Brooks

Unless you go through the home study

Unless you have adopted and gone through the home study process you will not understand. You won't understand why it takes as long as it does. Why it isn't as simple as you thought it was. Why people repeatedly ask "do you know what you are getting or when you are getting it." You want to respond "a headache from this conversation. Why when you talk to me one minute I'm thrilled and happy and the next I'm racing around overwhelmed. The up and down and not knowing when we will get a child or how old. How much it sucks but at the same time it's exciting to wonder. It's a roller coaster of emotions.

I hear people say "gosh this is a lot harder then I thought it would be..." Imagine how we feel going through this. We are a year in and counting. We will get through this part.

I wish people thought before they spoke..... Like I constantly say I'm going to have to find a way to deal with this and "educate" people. Or as Kenny Rogers would say know when to walk away. Sometimes depending on who it is it's almost not worth explaining because they won't listen. 

I need people to say "hang in there" "stay positive" With cheering pom poms "you can do it.."

Yeah

So when I needed to have my cell phone on me it wasn't. I got home early to take care of an animal house issue I had encountered before I went to work. It seems no one had my house line number or my husbands cell phone number. Everything worked out but let's just say I learned what you shouldn't write to someone on facebook message. If you do you need to indicate that the person is at home resting / in the hospital / hey don't panic / everything is fine now are all things that should have been added to the message.

Reminded how in a moment everything can change.

Jury Duty Over and Out (Done)

Ok took a little time to find this blog thanks to a homepage being completely changed.

So today was my turn for Jury Duty. Well my number wasn't picked for either trial. No one is ever thrilled about having to serve at least no one in my group today. I luck out my employer pays me for my day so that means no financial hardship on my end. I don't have any children so child care isn't an issue. So if by me going it means someone who can't afford to or has childcare issues is excused that works. So I'm good for three years. Of course my work will be insane tomorrow, and I'm probably going to be out of my mind but that's how it works. Lots of deep breathes and well it's one day closer to Friday. :)

It is October, and this means that we should be having our last home visit and moving along. The day has exhausted me I'm ready for bed now. 

Less about the gifts more about the time together

That's my goal for the holiday season. To often people get wrapped up in expensive unrealistic on the brink of bankruptcy gifts for everyone. It's a great thought, but I think society focuses to much on the gifts. After all the stores are out for the mighty dollar and if you are shopping to them that's all that matters to them. I want to make sure that my children look back and don't recall items they got, but the laughs, the gatherings, the quality time, the baking, the crafting, and the just being us.

I've been noticing you can do crafting for every holiday with little to no cost. Supplies you may already have. Well isn't that great?

Baking! I love baking for the holidays. Thanksgiving has been a tricky holiday. I've had to replace things that happened in the past and make my own memories. Every year now I make a point of the night before Thanksgiving baking. 

It's been a while...

I haven't been feeling that great over the past few days. The last few weeks have been rough. I did finally get the good word that the social worker has all the paperwork in and closer to October we should be meeting for our final visit. This actually has to happen, and I will believe. It's not that I doubt her I am cautious. If you walked in our shoes for the years we have been going through this journey you would get it.

I still have hope and faith in this process / where this will take us is far out of my control / letting go of what I think will happen and just be in the moment (sometimes easier said than done)

I can't control what is going to happen with this adoption. So I turn to things I can control and let them take my mind off all of this. Thank goodness for certain websites because they allow me to escape all this anxiety about all of this. Someone actually seemed annoyed that I was looking into what kind of cookies to make. I didn't go into details of why I'm so into the holidays. I'm not exactly into the holidays they are just the things I can count on. Well you get it.

9/09/2013

A woman who is normally at work so early never showed, she didn't call on the sick list, she wasn't listed in our system as being off, and no one had spoken to her in over a week. Two officers went to check on her, and we were told we would be updated. Everyone moved along with the morning. Surely their was some reason and maybe any second she would walk through the door. Then a few minutes later we were called into the conference room and told to grab some tissues. A woman screamed "No!" Tears falling from her face. I knew before we were told she had passed away. I am at a loss for words. This cannot be real. I heard the words I heard them talking but they have to be wrong. I stared at the table and caught the shimmer of the ceiling light as it reflected off the shine of the table. I'm sick to my stomach and am on a rollercoaster of emotions. We all are. Her second daughter is set to marry in a month. She was so excited and so happy. Death is a part of life that I don't think I can ever fully accept. Grief comes at us in different stages and different ways. By processing this and going through the waves hopefully this will help. She wouldn't want us to dwell she wouldn't want it effecting our work she would be so mad if she knew that we were called into the conference room.

You don't know when you are going to go. So it shows me that not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the little things. We say that but I am reminded you just never know.

Okay time to get ready for bed.

Last Puzzle Piece To The Homestudy

As good news rolls in bad news creeps in behind it. Our Homestudy should have been completed by now, but dyfs is missing on last puzzle piece. The doctor who did my evaluation and started us up in the process again isn't returning calls from me or my caseworker. He isn't providing the evaluation, and if dyfs doesn't get it in the next few weeks we will be disqualified or our application withdrawn again. I am hoping this gets straightened out. I haven't had a breakdown freak out yet because I'm attempting to be optimistic. Applying twice in one year is already stressful without the added ugg grr hiss moments. Positive vibes and thoughts!

It took about a dozen or so calls to find someone willing to do the evaluation. I got a least a dozen no's before I found him. I really hope he is putting finishing touches on it or maybe he will return from vacation Monday and pass it to me. I'm hoping for the best.

Songs for this week (off of my Journey Playlist)

 

Feels Like Home - with lyrics 

 

 Second video of the song "Feels Like Home" set to the notebook.
I have a playlist called Journey which has a bunch of songs that I have listened to depending upon my part of the Journey to parenthood I have been on. These are a few of them. Actually just about all of the songs I posted are on my playlist.

Home (Yeah I have posted this song before) "Pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. Know you're not alone I'm gonna make this house your home..."
Taking you Home - Don Henley  Taking You Home Video
I have listened to this song so many times. Today I found these lyrics like it was the first time I ever heard them.
"Maybe you reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time you'll know"
Firework - Katy Perry Firework Lyrics Link

New Remote

I say "honey I ordered a new remote it should be here in 3 to 7 business days"
To which he responds "I told you it could be done through the menu bar on the TV."
I say back "so remind me why you didn't do it?"
Crickets chirping.........
Funny these kind of scenarios weren't in the Disney movies I saw growing up. It's something I guess you get used to and as long as you can laugh about it. Not be insulting have it escalate to something bad then you are good.

That picture that reads "I must have super powers I am the only one who sees the messes, dishes in the sink and laundry."
Yeah gotta get used to that.
This doesn't have really much to do with adoption. This week with Labor Day this weekend has been more exhausting then usual.

Our update on our case is a report that was to be submitted by a doctor hasn't been. Without that our case can not move forward. It's a holiday weekend that most likely means he is away. Not going to the negative debbie downer side. Yet! 

Real Mother

I have to get to sleep so this is going to be super short. Often I hear this "real mother."  For instances "are you afraid the child will ask for their real mother." Really think about those words. I correct without bringing attention to it by saying you mean birth mother. It takes a village to raise a child. I may stop people and ask can you explain what a real mom is? I will be taking care of, pledging to be there for the rest of my life for these children, I will protect them, love them, nurture them, feed them, educate them, make boo boos go away, take care of them when they are sick, run them all over the place with sports and activities, do what I can for them, and so on. So does that doesn't qualify me as a real mom? I'm a pretend mom?

You just want to say please read these articles, books, and educate yourself and then come back to me. This shows me I'm going to have to get used to this and maybe have it said in front of my children.

Try

I can't remember if I have referenced this song Try by Pink. I hear it and think exactly. "You've gotta get up and try..." Not just for adoption but anything in life. It would sometimes be easier to say I can't do this I'm done. Sleep step away but don't give up. The video is a mix of dance with some kind of paint throwing stuff.

 

If you just want the lyrics Lyrics for Try

Random Songs of the Week That I'm Loving August 2013

 

Everything has changed.

This is a newer song that is so pretty

Celine Dion - The Greatest Reward

 
 

I am your child - Barry Manilow

  

Performed on Murphy Brown

 

Music of My Heart 

   

It's time by Imagine Dragons

 

Bring on The Rain

Idea For A Photo

Forever
It should bring you to a picture of a parent and child's hands holding the word forever from scrabble pieces. Isn't that just the cutest?

We Are A Team

I have had a few people scratch that I have had a lot of people give me tons of advice and one liners for parenting. The one that sticks out to me is that when it comes to raising a child or children you have to work as a team with your partner. You both are in this together, and what's that saying "united we stand divided we fall" or something like that. The issue is my husband doesn't seem to want to address things until we have children. Well that's all fine and good but when are we going to have time to sit down and have long conversations about what to do and what not to do. I know he isn't researching this and I know he hasn't got anything pinned or bookmarked. I might have a ton of boards  and stuff bookmarked. I may have started following blogs, clipping articles, watching all the nanny shows possible, and so on. Every so often I say to my husband "you know we have to figure out how we are going to be a team. It's really important." He rolls his eyes at me and says "yes in time." I am going to make a point of slowly bringing situations to his attention without it looking like a lesson plan or some boring class. To bad family fued, who want's to be a millionaire, or some other board game doesn't have the "parenting" addition.

I just know if my husband said something to the child and I undermined him, or vice versa it would just lead to more problems. I am even thinking we need a code word or something if we are in a situation that we need the other to step in. It's not going to be perfect it's going to happen, and when it does I know I'm going to have to resist saying "so you didn't read the articles, bookmarks, or watch the nanny shows like you promised me did you?"

Like the other night when I made Oreo truffles. I dipped them in chocolate, and white chocolate topped fancy with sprinkles. I placed them in the refrigerator and went on about my night getting ready for bed. My husband went in got the bread out missed the fact that I just placed the truffles in there and bam boom we have a truffle catastrophe. He went into that mode of "I didn't know they were there I didn't do it on purpose." I said "Yes I realize you didn't go in the fridge with the intention of ruining the truffles. I am frustrated because of the time I spent on it. I'm not mad at you."   

Open To Adoption

So this time last year I was thinking a little about maybe considering looking into the possibility of eventually someday adopting from the Foster care system.  What was stopping me? What was holding me back? Why was I so hesitant? I was afraid. I didn't know exactly how the process worked and have watched one to many lifetime movies where the birth parents come back into the child's life and take the children.

I had to take a step back and look  at what my possibilities or choices I had to become a mother. We were emotionally and financially spent from the fertility medications and treatments we both endured. Even though their is a  mandate for my state my employer is exempt so they don't have to approve or cover any fertility treatments or medications. Why you have mandates for places to be exempt I will never understand, but it is what it is. If we moved to IVF we would have to tap into or tap out financial resources that scared me. Getting pregnant was just one milestone. What if I miscarried? What if it didn't take? What we would do then? I had already been through a procedure where it didn't take. Infertility at any stage can take so much from you. (as I have often said many times)

Live child free was an option. I started to get that "I guess I'm not meant to be a parent." Then I decided I would stop thinking that way. This option would not work for me.

I watch A Home for the holidays which is on only once a year around Christmas. It's a beautiful hour (which I think is to short) of children and their families telling how they got to be a family. Something has always stuck with me one of the stories the boy asked his mother "did you carry me in your uterus?" To which she replied "no I carried you in my heart." I ordered some pamphlets and did some research. I couldn't find out exactly how you would go through the state to start the process. Luckily someone in my office had a name and a card so that was my starting point. I brought it up to my husband, and I can't remember if it was immediately or something we just talked about but we said "let's take this as far as we can go." If it doesn't work at least I know we will have tried. Adoption is not for everyone I'm not saying trying to talk anyone into it. We had to go to an orientation followed by lots forms and home visits. We did the classes, and they gave examples in class and the children she used as examples were not real, but the stories I'm sure have some ring of truth. Something began to click with every article I read every person I talked to every resource I looked into. Here were children who were here on this earth in need of a loving forever home, security, and a family. Here we are two people who want to be parents and can provide a loving safe home. I'm not saying this process of being approved has been easy but when we have been through so much from our journey why should this be any easier? At the end of the day we are going through this to have our forever family.

We aren't approved yet. We don't have a placement. I don't know how this journey will end. I just know this is something that we were meant to do. Every broken dream every failed procedure every heart break has lead to this road. I feel more now then ever that this was the path we were meant to take. I wish we had gone down this road earlier but then maybe we wouldn't have met this child that I know I feel in my heart we are meant to get. If I told you how hectic and crazy this adoption journey has been you would probably look at me and say "why didn't you just give up." I could have, but I'm stubborn, and this little bit of faith I still have keeps me going. Everytime I thought I can't do this I would hear a story about a child who was abused or neglected and I would think "these children deserve more" and I would realize I need to keep going. I can't save every child as much as I would like to. These children keep me going. I know I'm crazy all over the place. 

Once we have our forever family of 2, 3, or 4 kids I'm thinking..... I'm thinking if we have the space of fostering teens later down the line. Who knows maybe I'd keep the door open of adopting those teens.

If my journey ends with no placements and no kids then I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it and accept that.  Maybe I can be an advocate for the children or something. We shall see.

If you are reading this and debating or slightly open to the possibility of adoption and looking for someone to talk to. Please consider reaching out to me or someone or somewhere. Research, knowledge, resources, and talking to people become your greatest tool in factoring your decision.

Sleep

I am exhausted. The process to starting a family can be stressful enough. Summer is a very business time and with the process to trying to be approved for adoption. Long story short I'm exhausted. I napped when I got home from work and my one cat decided to jump off and on mommy. It's a game she plays I suppose. Now she's snoring.

Family is coming in tonight and tomorrow we are providing a nice feast for them. Ahh time to shower clean up and get some zzz's so I can function tomorrow.

Hometown Middle School

So in conversation it appears my nephew will be going to the same middle school I did this fall. Do you want to know the worst three years of my life? Middle school! I hated every second of it. It's the time when your body is already going through the changes and then on top of it you have some kids with something to prove or who are getting teased at home so they will do it to you. In a lot of ways I think that is why I made the decision to never once look in my home town because no child of mine will ever be going there. No thank you. I don't think my friends had the same experience because they were in the advanced classes. Thankfully I had band class. That's the only positive experience in the three years that I was there that I had. Did I mention I hated it? 
Yes it shaped me into the person I am today. Yes it's a piece of my history. Yes it's my hometown. It's just a part of my history I hate to talk about. No one knows what happened or all that I went through.

What makes going through that part of a school filled with bullies at every turn is the teachers who sat by and did nothing or the teachers who were bullies. Sadly one teacher was moved up from a teacher to administration. Awesome give a bully power. Sad truly sad. He told me I wouldn't amount to anything. The next year I made high honor roll and he handed me my award. That was also the same year I played Jenga for the first time. Til this day I greatly dislike Jenga. I wonder if it's connected. I was told tonight that I escaped an attack in the locker room. When you would get changed to go to next period is when they would "attack." I don't remember the incident I must have blocked it from my mind.

One can hope that my nephew will have a different experience. That maybe it's a different place now. Time will tell..........

It will make me very aware when my child hits that age range and why it was so great to hear of resources available if your child struggles at any point emotionally. Time to take a break and get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.

Reflecting on the week

I needed some inspiration to begin my day so I turned on hoarders next thing I know I'm polishing cleaning and so on. The house is fine, and I've been doing my best to keep it up because I know we are going to have at least 2 more visits. I'm feeling a bit better but until we are out of this part of the process I won't be resting entirely. I started a list on amazon to be better prepared if we do get a placement. I'm trying to stay positive. That way I will know what to get or what I was thinking about. I don't expect anyone to get anything. In fact,I don't have any expectations as I've constantly said. If you want to be in the child's life then make a point if you don't then don't pretend. Also,what and who will be good for the child. That's something to consider. I don't have any issue or think anyone is inappropriate but if someone is doing something or using something they shouldn't be then you better bet I will have to say something. Of course if they don't change limited supervision or maybe no contact.  I do have a concern about someones animal, but I will give it a chance. See how that obsessive compulsive personality starts to lead to other situations that haven't happened yet.

I'm hoping when (if) we do get a placement that we can connect with someone close by because the support is also key. While family tries to understand unless you have been in the situation you really don't. Of course it would be awesome to call or hang out with people who "get it" or are in the same situation.

Time to turn the mind off and focus on getting along this week.  

I Will Remember You (Amy/Sarah)

Second Dreaded Visit Is Behind Us

I think in some ways I have been dreading this visit today but I never expressed the reason why to anyone. Might have started to bring it up but stopped because it's to complicated and detailed to go into and when you have worked through something it becomes your past so why do you have to constantly relive it know what I mean? I've been cranky touchy angry irritated because I knew I had to dig up the past and go over something that happened in 2004. Along with everything else. If I had handled the situation differently chances are we wouldn't have had to go there. What's done is done and I can't go back. See how I go back and forth? I went over everything possibly more than I should have. What was interesting is I found myself listening on what I was saying and realized sometimes you aren't meant to have people in your life. They maybe really great people but when they do things to you you don't need to excuse their behavior and keep them around or decide at some point "hey let's be friends it's ok what you did and go ahead betray me like that again..." Especially if they don't see how wrong and hurtful they were and can't find the words I'm sorry. Again I'm not saying they are bad people just at certain times they didn't make the best decisions and take into consideration other or other peoples feelings. I'm not trying to bash them or anyone or wish them any harm. What's done is done and we can't go back we can only go forward. It may make me hesitate a step towards a friendship with people, but sometimes in life you need to proceed with caution.

I realize any child we take into our home is going to have issues of some sort down the line. I wish I could shield them from the bad in life but sometimes we have to go through the bad in life learn from it and do good with it.

At the end of all I had to say I asked if anything would stop us or disqualify us she said no because I got help and am on the right path now. I just need the written documentation from the doctors to verify that so that we can more forward. Of course until I have that I will have the imaginary conversation with the doctors where they refuse to provide that and in turn our home study is disqualified.

On a side note the house is perfectly perfect, and I could have a dinner party or people over. Of course they would mess it up, and that would be well back to square one so let's just be happy in this moment. The animals were watching us clean and getting a bit upset started pacing and so on. I think they can sense the tension. This after all is where we were the last time when things went down hill and our application was on hold. Hoping for the best. Also hoping work isn't so bad. Fridays are hectic especially when we are down people, and in the summer people take off to enjoy the summer outside the office. I'm saving my days in the hope that we will get our hope child but sometimes I wonder if hope will actually walk in the door. "baby" came up today and I refer to the future kids as "children."

What if we don't ever get a placement or match

I'm lacking in sleep, and my hormones are making me cry over anything. As I sit here and type I feel the tears. So I know I need some extra sleep. You know that Miley Cyrus song The Climb? "there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it..." With every medication and procedure I was always told "this time will be different. this time will work...." By the last procedure I said "what if it doesn't work" and the doctor said "but it will.." Guess what it didn't work. What if we get approved by the state and they never place a child with us and we never get matched? What if we are one of those couples that they push along just to hush up, but "misplace" our file into the paper shredder.

10 Things I am Thankful For

1. My husband & My Mother (they tie)
2. My animals
3. Diet Green Tea
4. Cheese
5. Saturdays
6. Pinterest
7. Friends
8. The ability to try to adopt
9. My past (because without it I wouldn't be the person I am today)
10. Sleep
In no particular order.

Weird Thought

I know a few different people are going to be at the fair tomorrow. I hope I'm wrong, but my predication is the person I have just recently met in my support group will actually stop in and say hello. Maybe even allow us to do an ID for their new baby. While someone I have known for a very long time is going to not make a point of finding where I am or even saying hello. I could have made a point of telling my dear old friend that she should come by and say hello. I won't. This isn't a test or me saying "ha ha told you she doesn't care..." It's just for this time we aren't where we once were. With all the pictures and status updates lately and past few years of how this person is there for everyone and sharing in their special time. I'm kinda like it would have been really nice if you could have done the same for me.  I'm not asking you to go back in time and change what has happened. I'm simply saying look back draw a list, and maybe you will see that you weren't really there for me. It would be nice to hear "If I could go back I would have done things differently and wish I had been there more. I can't go in the past and change what has happened. I can start fresh and want to really be there for you in your new journey on your road to adoption."

I have to accept things and people for what they are and not what I want them to be. Life doesn't always play out the way we would like it to in our head. I can't work on a friendship or relationship all by myself for it takes two to tango. I don't know if you would ever fix it with me because I don't think you get that it's very broken. I keep drifting. Yes accepting you for who you are. Being content with what we once had cause the more time that goes on the more you become a memory......

This wasn't the post I was going for........ 

Last Saturday In July Finally A Chance To Breathe

We turned down two set of tickets for tonight. I just can't. Usually I would jump at the opportunity but this crazy working hours and everything is catching up. If I don't have calm today it will make tomorrow more crazy. 

It would have been nice to take a child to the fair but not this year. Instead, I get to work it for a few hours. We have been dropping small hints that we are adopting to it isn't a total surprise to everyone. By we I mean me.

I have a gift buddy that I'm sending a package of stuff to. She and I have infertility in common. We were paired by some program or someone. I have been looking for an item that I wanted her to be able to keep in her wallet with her at all times if she ever needed to fill that hope tank. I can't find the darn thing and it's annoying me. I have looked it up on the internet and that isn't working either. Tomorrow after the fair I will make sure to make a point of trying two more stores and then I will have to reboot and recalculate. I also want to make her something and that takes time that I seem to not have lately.  It's great to have a distraction and something to look forward to. It's tricky because I know I'm overanalyzing everything I get. I actually walked away from a few things because it seemed to religious and I didn't want to offend her. I found these cute necklaces, but they had Wicca stamped on the holder. I'm like "great she will think I'm so kind of spell witch or whatever...." Ohhh I just figured another store I can try. I'm telling you this started out as few things,and her box is getting filled with some cute stuff. 

In all this lovely daily chaos of everyday life I have to make sure that we freshen up the house. I need more time!

A Prince Is Born

At some point I will scrapbook this, and you will see this and be a little confused as to why I'm annoyed. I don't know if annoyed is the right word. I think it's wonderful that a new baby is born to Kate and William, but hi it only reminds me of what at this time I don't have. My baby cat must have sensed it and demand snuggles. It's super great, and Aww I can't wait but 2 straight hours of updates and I'm done.  

I can't watch a lot of shows that I use to because they all have babies and kids. I'm slowly becoming that bitter infertile that everyone warned you about. I think in some ways that why those murder mystery shows are "safe." Who knows. I need to go to sleep and re-charge.  

Pointed Kiss

This could mean nothing or me finding a sign with every step. I was washing my hands feeling the blues of when will this happen. I walk back into work,and a coworker has brought her son in. He went to say goodbye to everyone and pointed at me smiled and blew me a kiss. The book i'm reading the woman had a moment like this where she fell apart and as she stood wondering when her turn would come a girl walking past took her hand and looked at her like "soon."

Who knows..... 

I still don't believe it.

When do you think we will be approved? The words left my lips, and I hesitated. "why did I just ask that when I feel stuck. what did you do that for?" I know that I'm very guarded. The hubby seems to have more a jump and at one point said he wouldn't even call me if we got a placement he'd just do it. I hesitate to start looking for anything like daycares and so on. The baby gates were a suggestion that I kinda figured we would need because of the stairs.

Something was brought up that I had closed the door on. A baby placement. I hesitated on my answer of "would you take a baby or new born?" I said I'd call the hubby to which the hubby responded he'd take the child and not call me. Thanks ;) Services are made available that I need to look more into. It's brought up the thought of what we need to do in the event that the situation is presented to us. I really think number one is going to be a boy, and he's going to be a toddler still in diapers. I may need to set the crib up for a bit. I could be missing the mark on this and be totally wrong. That's okay.

A small piece of me isn't thinking this will result in anything for a long while. It's that guarded piece of ones heart that helps up from getting any more of our hope or faith shattered. It's protective, and as I'm told the wall that I have up gets torn down when a child comes into it. I know one couple who is closing the door on this journey with no placements after years of having an open license.

I have talked to some amazing people and am reading a book about a woman who writes of her experience and makes me feel that I'm normal and not nuts for thinking or saying certain things. 

As I say everytime I don't know where this journey is going to take me. I don't know if I will find my child/children. When it was brought up about sibling groups with a baby so we'd go from none to 3 overnight I responded bring it. I did ask two of the animals if they wanted siblings. I think Toby the dog thought it was food his head tilted. Pebbles slept through my question "not now i'm sleeping..."

For My Child Look it up

If you have a chance in the future look up this date 6/26/13 Supreme Court Decision on Gay Marriage and Tony Soprano. Maybe you agree with the decision maybe you don't. I want you to look it up my child because it is a piece of history. I watch a news program that does today in history segment and I think man that would be great to know what happened around this time. I struggle with knowing if we will know you by the end of this year. If some will walk through our door before you. I don't know. Half of the year is gone so it's hard to tell.

I hear a constant debate about one parent staying home to raise their children, and I know if one of us could we would. That doesn't seem possible or realistic. As you will learn one day with all that is taken out and having to pay and keep a float we just have to do what we do.  I will do what I can to make sure you will have the both of us as much as possible. If I can get us a few full days a month or more. It will be tricky but I will do my darndest. Maybe one day I can work part-time to adjust to your schedule. Ha if only. 

How Many Times

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/plumb/needyounowhowmanytimes.html

I heard this song and had to put it somewhere.
"how many times do I have to make the same mistake how many times until I learn from my mistakes"

I'm annoyed

I'm upset annoyed frustrated and disappointed with myself for believing that you would ever see things my way. That you would ever show a small portion of empathy for my situation that you would get it. Sadly I watch as you take everyone's side and excuse them and their choices and brush me off. I thought I could talk to you I thought you would finally say "I get it." You are wrapped up in your own world of "well I didn't get this and I don't get that and no one ever does this for me or that...." Would you like to go there? Would you really like to go back in history and see who hasn't been there for who? Who could really throw the past up of boo hoo. I don't. 

This will make your blood boil

The Picture said: "So it hurts to be infertile and have to hear about other women's pregnancies?
Try being a "birth mother" and having to hear about someone else raising your child."

The Comment by a random uneducated bitter who has some issues of her own "woman": " I think infertile women get off to this, once they get their hands on another's infant. It makes them feel validated. I think it makes them pathetic for expecting someone else to pay for the rest of their lives. I truly believe some of these women get off to the anguish of the natural mother. Sick, despicable human beings."

What I have to say may surprise some people. I was furious annoyed upset and just disgusted. I then realized nothing could be said to this kind of person it would be a waste of my energy. Someone who speaks this way is lacking the education and understanding of what someone goes through  in the infertility journey.  I will always come across people who are supportive and understanding even if they haven't walked a mile in my shoes, and then I will come across someone like this. They are out there maybe bitter about a situation from their past which leads them to say such things. I honestly feel sorry for someone like this.

Birthparents play a very important role. I do not minimize them or forget they exist. I admire their ability to say I love my child so much, and I understand that I can't give them the life they deserve. I will be selfless and put them before myself and give them a better chance. That's amazing, and something I will be so thankful for one day. Here's a great quote....
  “giving up a child is not a selfish act, but rather it is a courageous act of love, on hopes to give their child a better life than what [the parents] thought they could provide.”

We should try to bring each other up not tear each other down. It saddens me that someone would say or think what that random woman did but they do exist as must as I try to think they don't. I would take someone like this on maybe in real life face to face not in the internet world. Sometimes people use the internet to hide behind their words. I doubt she would say anything like this in a public setting. I would take the opportunity to educate her. Of course I have a feeling I'd be better off applying my energy to more positive worthy things. Well you get the drift.

Support System Are You There?

It's frustrating when you ask for help or advice on adoption groups and forums and no one responds. Like I swear I heard crickets.

At least google, bing and pinterest are there for me. 

Maybe I have to give it more time but this experience is a hell of frustrating to begin with it's just I guess you have to be there.

Watch someone now respond. 

Eco Socialist Moonbat

Funny quote from Psych.

Just have to wonder

When I flat out ask you question and you don't respond. Maybe you didn't see it yet or maybe your busy or maybe you didn't hear me. Sometimes you just have to wonder......

I'm certain that I'm guilty of it at times, but hey aren't we all? I'm skating between both sides of my own frustration.

This is what happens when you have been on a hormonal rollercoaster for over 2 weeks. It's a dream I tell you. I would like to break up from AF, but she doesn't seem to want to leave me. Hey AF please let go.  

So Much For A Lazy Saturday

We had a quiet day until my husband decided to go out and mow the lawn. He came running in the house screaming. I jumped up i'm like "what's up."
"your windshield it's smashed"
Yes it was no sign of any type of branch stone or anything in the car. I will tell you the doors were open so who knows. I'm thinking it's more of a freak of nature just kinda happened. I'm thankful no one was in the car or injured in the midst of the pieces of the windshield. Lots of water in the car got the wet vac tried to clean stuff up. Sweaters have to be shaken out and washed. It's frustrating because it has to happen on a holiday weekend where no one is around. Immediately scheduled a company to come out. They will be here Thursday morning. Thank goodness it's a shortened week. Only 2 days of figuring how i'm going to get home. Of course I do live within a 20 to 25 minute walking distance. Thick type of blanket topped with plastic trash bags taped to the back windshield. A lot is damaged, and some will not be able to be saved. It's just how it works. Goodness. Yeah you could still drive the car but with no back windshield and pieces still sharp it's best with this rain and mess that it stays covered.

Thanks to hoarders I'm becoming less attached to items. So the three bears that were in the back of the car I said they are faded covered in glass just toss em. I will put new ones in the back of the car. If I had a small bissell thingy I could really give that car a cleaning.

Please be done with the bad luck. 

A Smile like yours lyrics and song

Beautiful song.

 

Hmm, thought I'd seen everything there was to see in this world
Now I'm not so sure I've really seen anything at all
I thought life could show me no surprises
And then you came and showed me I was wrong
I have seen the bluest skies, rainbows that would make you cry
I have seen miracles that moved my soul, days that changed my life
I have seen the brightest stars shine like diamonds in the dark
Seen all the wonders of the world, but I've never seen a smile
As beautiful as yours, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh, I thought I'd been everywhere
I've climbed a mountain so high, sailed the sea, crossed the sky
And still I was nowhere at all, until that day, oh, you came to my senses
And your smile, it made sense out of it all, (I have seen the bluest skies)
Rainbows that would make you cry, I have seen miracles

(miracles that moved me soul) that moved my soul, days that changed my life,

I have seen the brightest stars shine like diamonds in the dark
Seen all the wonders of the world, but I've never seen a smile as beautiful as yours
(smile so beautiful) so beautiful, comes one time in a lifetime
A smile this beautiful, (a smile this beautiful) I've never dreamed I'd ever see, oh
(I have seen the bluest skies) I have seen it, (rainbows that would make you cry)
That would make you cry, I've seen miracles (miracles) moved my soul,
(days that changed my life) and days that changed my life
I have seen the brightest stars shine like diamonds in the dark
Oh, I've seen the wonders of this world (wonders of the world)
But I've never seen a smile (never seen a smile before as beautiful as yours)
Oh, I've never seen a smile before, (never seen a smile before as beautiful)
As beautiful as yours.

Debbie Downer Has Entered the complex

Positive Patty (that's what I call myself when I'm in a good mood) has left the building and debbie downer ( that's what I call myself when I get sad) has entered the complex. It's official state agency has placed the blame back on me saying they did everything by the book. Quoted more legal terms. They wonder why their aren't enough foster/adoptive families out there. I'm ready to pull our file. So frustrated. Did I mention my birthday is tomorrow? This is crap o la timing. Anyone else frustrated today?

I Knew I Loved You Before I met you

I have always hated this song. Then I heard it attached to adoption and I was like EXACTLY! Close your eyes if you have to and imagine this song about my future child. 1st one is the actual music video second one is a lyric video.

Music of My Heart (lyric video and actual video)

Got the third batch of records.

They should have come from the records department which is in Neptune. From what the voicemail said. Interestingly enough it made a wrong turn to Georgia. I hate when you are going to Neptune and make a wrong turn and end up in Georgia! The end result is I have them. I was sad reading them. I don't think you are ever suppose to see those forms. It is who I was at the time not who I am. I've come a long way from where I was and I'm not going back there EVER!!!!!

I have been saddened and frustrated through this nightmare. Even though I was feeling this way I still went on to work and worked through the days and did what I would do at home and just continue on with life hoping this horrible madness would end. Chores were still done, dinner and meals were still cooked, I still attended work and so on.

the red room remains filled with stuff for the future. Never once did I think of changing it.

Please help us pretty pretty pretty please.....

Update on my adoption saga. Someone within the agency is looking into our file. Hopefully this person can help us. The psychologist doing my evaluation wrote a rebuttal letter to their letter. It's wonderfully written and puts the blame clearly back on the agency where it belongs.  It would be amazing if the person looking into our file saw that letter. Hoping this means good stuff for us. We shall see. Keeping fingers and toes crossed......

I Won't Give Up (Videos)

Exactly we aren't giving up...............

Not One More Form!

My id badge broke at work. You can't access any doors without it. So guess what? I had to get a new one. I call personnel to find out how. Guess what? I have to fill out a form, give it to a supervisor to sign off on, and wait for it to be made. A form? Seriously?

Got the new badge today and all is well and right with the world and I can access my building once again!

Update on Records

After a  spinning web of endless getting no where phone calls finally got a call today from Ms. Supervisor. Suddenly found my request and explained it was at an off sight facility and had to be copied or scanned or both into a system and was hand delivered today to the records section of the hospital. Depending upon who you speak with you will get different stories EVERYTIME!

Then mum mum and I conversate about how it "magically" appeared.
Me: Is it to late to give a disposable camera so they can take pictures with the medical records at every "stop" and with every person.
Me: Are they taking the 12:15 for the north pole express?
Mummum: Wonder if the traveling knome went to georgia & back?
Me: Yes on his unicorn hopped the rainbow express to the pot of gold and bared a right.
Mummum: Maybe same day carrier pigeon! but like the unicorn idea.

"Not In My Family"

I've heard it mentioned on TV programs and real life conversations lately. Some are totally against adoption. "Not in my family...." I believe that I am fortunate that I don't have this issue. If someone is against it they aren't making it known. With all due respect if someone was against our decision for adoption and ever pulled the "not in my family" card that would be it for that relationship. It should always be the couples decision and no outside person should hold that power. I always have been someone who understands a lot, but I don't get this train of thought. Why would you deny someone the chance to be a parent? For a child to be blessed into a loving home. I don't understand.

Random thought on a Monday night when I should be in bed. So random!

I know sorry.

In off topic from this post I made a toy nook and switched a bunch of stuff around the house. My back hurts. My husband is amazed that I did that all on my own and was worried. I'm okay just hurts. I am going to put this out there but if an employee of the agency we are going through comes into the house and starts booing the toy nook I might have to challenge that closed mindedness. They may like it I don't know.
I can just see it.
Employee: how dare you set up a place where the child can read and/or play. What is wrong with you? I suppose the next thing you will do is put clothes in the dressers and closets. How dare you! 
Yes that makes no sense which means it might actually happen.
You would have to understand some issues at this point to understand the joke in that. Okay time for bed and time to get ready for a long day. 

Frustration

Frustration? Yeah we all suffer from some sort of it. I wish that at this point I had a little less of it but that isn't going to happen. As I try to twist and wobble my way through this process. Obtaining documents and staying on top of those I have to get the documents from. Yes we all have heard me mention this time and time again.

Frustration is watching others achieve something without even trying as you struggle. Frustration is not be able to understand somethings in life. Frustration is that part of life that we can't seem to get rid of. Breathe in breathe out. Hope that this shall pass until it does I suppose you fake it until you make it. It has many levels and comes at us sometimes when we least expect it.

For Once In My Life (Lyrics and Song)

For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Would make my dreams come true

For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before
For once, I have something I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore

For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, I have someone who needs me

"You Are The Sunshine Of My Life" Lyrics and Song

"You Are The Sunshine Of My Life"

You are the sunshine of my life
That's why I'll always be around,
You are the apple of my eye,
Forever you'll stay in my heart

I feel like this is the beginning,
Though I've loved you for a million years,
And if I thought our love was ending,
I'd find myself drowning in my own tears

You are the sunshine of my life,
That's why I'll always stay around,
You are the apple of my eye,
Forever you'll stay in my heart

You must have known that I was lonely,
Because you came to my rescue,
And I know that this must be heaven,
How could so much love be inside of you?

You are the sunshine of my life, yeah,
That's why I'll always stay around,
You are the apple of my eye,
Forever you'll stay in my heart

[Background] Love has joined us,
Love has joined us,
Let's think sweet love

Dear Future Child Letter #1

This is jumbled and all over the place so please excuse.....

I sit typing a note to you because at the moment this is as close as I can be to you. I know that in the future you are going to have a lot of questions and doubts. I know I can't erase or answer all of them but believe I'm gonna try. Just know that if you ever have a moment where you ask yourself why did I end up with these people as my family just know that we were meant to be. The struggles and frustration I am enduring lead one day closer to finding you. Where ever you may be right now. Because I believe you are worth all of this I continue on. I have my grown up tantrum where I think I can't do this anymore and want to just quit and hide, but then I come back to reality and know that you are so worth it. I don't know your name, and I don't know if you are even here yet, but I know you are somewhere out there.  For some reason it's taking a little longer to get to you then we would like. This feels like this endless paperwork mountains or whatever road blocks we endure just won't stop. I hope that one day you truly understand just how much we went through to get you. So when you have those moments and wonder "why am I here. I wish I was never born." You look at this and realize I was meant to be with these crazy people who moved heaven and earth to get me. So on May 4, 2013 I sit and wonder what the future holds. We are stuck in the application process. This application process seems never ending. Obviously if you read this at some point it means we made it through. Forgive the jumbled all over the place thought. I'm tired and know what I want to say and can't seem to get all my thoughts out right.

Goodnight My Angel

It's Everywhere!

By it's I mean pregnancy and by everywhere I mean where everywhere I look. Since everything is at an absolute standstill with the agency I'm just I don't know if sensitive is the word or just like "when is it going to be my turn?" Yes I know my day will hopefully come, and I will be so over come with joy to see my child. It's just that for the time being I'm finding it hard to not say anything when someone sits down and complains that they are pregnant because it's the last thing they wanted and they weren't even trying. I'm like a www I can totally relate oh no that's right I can't. I almost feel like saying "well you weren't trying not to have a baby. Unless you don't understand how babies are made?" I let it go and don't say anything otherwise you are "labeled" the bitter infertile who know no one talks to because they are afraid of pissing you off.  I still say that a big mistake was getting certified to install car seats because sometimes the people you encounter can be frustrating. More "we weren't even trying and boom. you can relate right?" I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a baby in my uterus ain't one.

Please don't get me wrong I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself or hate pregnant women. I have been truly happy for everyone that I know that's having a baby. Lord these days I know a lot. I'm allowed to have days and moments where I'm frustrated with the world and how at the moment I feel trapped. If the second place could cooperate with giving me my medical records instead of skirting around the issue or making it difficult. How hard is it to scan a document to the off site location?

 

As the medical records scan ((the saga continues))

Offsite facility has the 2nd batch of records I am requesting. Email offsite twice get an email today that says that my emails failed to reach anyone in their company and I'm banned for two days from emailing their facility. I called them yesterday  they tell me no pending request for medical records from the other facility.

Today I hear back from the hospital medical records department and they tell me my request for those records were forwarded to the "clinic" section and provide me the number. I call that number and after spelling my name numerous times they tell me they don't have anything pending. When I explain it was behavioral health I'm told it would have never gone to the "clinic" and I have to go through that department. Are we keeping track? I call the behavioral health you play the game of what number do I press finally get someone ((who is just so happy let me tell you)) on the phone and they take my information down and put me on hold. The woman comes back and says  she doesn't know when they got my request but they have 30 days to process it. Seriously? So I ask a few more questions....
Do I come there to get the papers? "No" 
Then how am I notified? "You will be sent something from the facility.."
So I take that to mean it's the same facility  that's in Georgia that I was on the phone with yesterday. Ugggg! What a circle of blame and frustration here. Each question I answered she wanted to hang up but I needed questions answered. So frustrating.

Two sad stories

Mother who adopted three children jailed for five years for child cruelty

Feds__S_J__couple_charged_with_unimaginable_child_cruelty
More details on New Jersey Couple

Two stories I heard today and I'm at a loss for words after hearing. These children deserve the best, and it's sad that they would have to endure anything. Innocent until proven guilty yes. All that my husband and I have to endure through the adoption process, and I see others abusing a privilege we are fighting for. It's sad. These children deserve so much more.

No matter how much you do your job or follow the rules people slip through the cracks. 

Roseanne skit with Jackie telling her Aunt that her father is dead.

Roseanne skit with Jackie calling her aunt to tell her that her dad is dead. You know we all have those people that we talk to, and they don't seem to get it or understand when we talk to them. I think of this skit always!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPFyHMC8xbI
skit

Especially lately.

Not right....

I submitted two requests for my medical records because it was two different facilities and two different times. I have the fax copy to prove that. I decide that since I only got one set of papers I will call the facility that has the actual records. Guess what? They have no other pending request in their system. I asked a second time to make sure I heard her right. Frustration! Unfortunately the hospital wasn't open. I don't know if their is a different procedure or if it's still pending somewhere in the hospital. I can't express how frustrated I am.  I left a message and will call tomorrow. In hopes that I can get to the bottom of this madness. I really hope they didn't see two authorization forms and toss the second one when it clearly indicated it was two separate requests.

1 of 2 requests yeah!

Okay so I am the one who got the mail for home yesterday. I thought I looked at it saw a cellphone bill and went arg and tossed it aside. My husband comes home and asks. "did you look at the mail?" I replied "i thought so why?" He gives me a huge envelope that has "medical records." It's only one of the two requests I made but it's something. I didn't see a phone number that I could call from work but I did submit an email asking if they also handle the records for the other facility. I'm waiting to hear back from them. They did include a separate page that clearly states "if you requested additional records which are not included those were forwarded to the appropriate place and you should be receiving them shortly." Still it never hurts to ask to get clarification. In my case I feel like every person I speak to says something different. 

On a side note I did notice a blog I had been following who recently adopted a baby in December and he's having his baptism. That's so wonderful and great to read that everything is going so great for them. When I read others struggles and see that their stories had a happy ending. I sigh with happiness and hope. 

Hears hoping and wishing and praying and thinking and keeping the faith. :)

If I'm not over by the time I get to Georgia

That's a line to a country song. The point? Georgia is where the medical records building is that holds at the moment all the cards. Ugggg....... So even though we are states apart it's anyone's guess when I am getting these darn things. They say the request was approved and scanned to the facility last thursday/friday. Yeah umm two days to scan it? If you are able to scan the request why can't they scan them back? Snail mail is so slow! 

I'm thinking next week maybe?

In My Arms (lyrics and video) Not sure if I posted this before

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books are full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Gotcha Day / Adoption Anniversary Discuss

So I have been non stop researching adoption anniversary or gotcha day. Which is the day you "got" your child in your home. Some decide it's the day the adoption was finalized. It can be a celebration with just the child and immediate family or something a little bigger. It's all up to you. Some decide not to celebrate it. Whichever it's anyone's choice. I am leaning towards celebrating it even if it's just me and my husband and the child/children with a few other family members or friends. Maybe. It's unwritten at this point and our decision. I am amazed why so many "hate" dislike gotcha day. To each his own.

It was part of the workshop that said birthdays maybe hard and to consider gotcha day. For some children the only day they were with their birth parents was the day they were born. Some were immediately placed into foster care. When you start to see that that day for some is more of a mourning and more of the day my birth parents gave me up rather than the day they entered the world. Gotcha day is the day that you share with that child the day no one can take from you. The day you say you were always in my heart, and today is our day that we will celebrate every year. One woman in my support group adopted a daughter from China. It was suggested to get 18 items and every year on that gotcha day give her one of those items. What do I get a child from the US or New Jersey? I think I am leaning towards making a "gotcha day" book every year do a "page" about what's happened from that year. Jewelry is an idea. IF it's a girl a charm bracelet and every year add a charm so that it's something to keep forever. I don't know I have time since we are trapped in this application process.

Please say a prayer that my records finally come in. 

Gotcha Day - Say What?

What is Gotcha Day? What does it mean?  I will post later about this but I have a folder on Pinterest about ideas for Gotcha Day. :) 

Gotcha_Day Means

Simply said quote

I am wherever there is love.

One Step Up - Bruce

Lyrics To One Step Up

Dear Future Child This Ones for you ---> You Are Loved - Heather Williams Lyric Video and Lyrics Attached

This one is so great for our future child. (((hoping that things work out and keeping the faith they do while trying to remain realistic)))

You Are Loved! 

YOU ARE LOVED Lyrics
Heather Williams
Are you afraid
Do you feel lost inside yourself
Like you’re falling
And you’re wanting to break free
Are you alone
Feeling forgotten by this world
Do you stand lonely
Still hoping that someone will see
But you don’t have to be afraid
You don’t have to be ashamed
‘Cuz you are
You are
You are loved
More than the stars shine at night
More than the sun could shine light
I want you to know that you are loved
More than words could ever say
More than the sky could display
I want you to know that you are
You are loved
Have you been hurting
With an aching deep inside
So broken, not knowing how to break free
Have you been searching
With a longing deep inside
But you don’t know where to go
Your heart cannot see
Please don’t be afraid
Please don’t be ashamed
‘Cuz you are
You are
You are loved
More than the stars shine at night
More than the sun could shine light
I want you to know that you are loved
More than words could ever say
More than the sky could display
I want you to know that you are
You are loved
Safe
Adored by the One who made
This heart that beats inside
The One that gives us life
Loves us
More than the stars shine at night
More than the sun could shine light
I want you to know that you are loved
More than words could ever say
More than the sky could display
I want you to know that you are
You are loved
You are loved
Are loved 

 

Life Ain't Always Beautiful (Lyric Video) Video and Lyrics

Gary Allen (Alan?) Well you get the drift. It's an honest song.
Okay so much for the lyrics..... Let's try this again.....

 Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride