I still don't believe it.

When do you think we will be approved? The words left my lips, and I hesitated. "why did I just ask that when I feel stuck. what did you do that for?" I know that I'm very guarded. The hubby seems to have more a jump and at one point said he wouldn't even call me if we got a placement he'd just do it. I hesitate to start looking for anything like daycares and so on. The baby gates were a suggestion that I kinda figured we would need because of the stairs.

Something was brought up that I had closed the door on. A baby placement. I hesitated on my answer of "would you take a baby or new born?" I said I'd call the hubby to which the hubby responded he'd take the child and not call me. Thanks ;) Services are made available that I need to look more into. It's brought up the thought of what we need to do in the event that the situation is presented to us. I really think number one is going to be a boy, and he's going to be a toddler still in diapers. I may need to set the crib up for a bit. I could be missing the mark on this and be totally wrong. That's okay.

A small piece of me isn't thinking this will result in anything for a long while. It's that guarded piece of ones heart that helps up from getting any more of our hope or faith shattered. It's protective, and as I'm told the wall that I have up gets torn down when a child comes into it. I know one couple who is closing the door on this journey with no placements after years of having an open license.

I have talked to some amazing people and am reading a book about a woman who writes of her experience and makes me feel that I'm normal and not nuts for thinking or saying certain things. 

As I say everytime I don't know where this journey is going to take me. I don't know if I will find my child/children. When it was brought up about sibling groups with a baby so we'd go from none to 3 overnight I responded bring it. I did ask two of the animals if they wanted siblings. I think Toby the dog thought it was food his head tilted. Pebbles slept through my question "not now i'm sleeping..."