I think in some ways I have been dreading this visit today but I never expressed the reason why to anyone. Might have started to bring it up but stopped because it's to complicated and detailed to go into and when you have worked through something it becomes your past so why do you have to constantly relive it know what I mean? I've been cranky touchy angry irritated because I knew I had to dig up the past and go over something that happened in 2004. Along with everything else. If I had handled the situation differently chances are we wouldn't have had to go there. What's done is done and I can't go back. See how I go back and forth? I went over everything possibly more than I should have. What was interesting is I found myself listening on what I was saying and realized sometimes you aren't meant to have people in your life. They maybe really great people but when they do things to you you don't need to excuse their behavior and keep them around or decide at some point "hey let's be friends it's ok what you did and go ahead betray me like that again..." Especially if they don't see how wrong and hurtful they were and can't find the words I'm sorry. Again I'm not saying they are bad people just at certain times they didn't make the best decisions and take into consideration other or other peoples feelings. I'm not trying to bash them or anyone or wish them any harm. What's done is done and we can't go back we can only go forward. It may make me hesitate a step towards a friendship with people, but sometimes in life you need to proceed with caution.
I realize any child we take into our home is going to have issues of some sort down the line. I wish I could shield them from the bad in life but sometimes we have to go through the bad in life learn from it and do good with it.
At the end of all I had to say I asked if anything would stop us or disqualify us she said no because I got help and am on the right path now. I just need the written documentation from the doctors to verify that so that we can more forward. Of course until I have that I will have the imaginary conversation with the doctors where they refuse to provide that and in turn our home study is disqualified.
On a side note the house is perfectly perfect, and I could have a dinner party or people over. Of course they would mess it up, and that would be well back to square one so let's just be happy in this moment. The animals were watching us clean and getting a bit upset started pacing and so on. I think they can sense the tension. This after all is where we were the last time when things went down hill and our application was on hold. Hoping for the best. Also hoping work isn't so bad. Fridays are hectic especially when we are down people, and in the summer people take off to enjoy the summer outside the office. I'm saving my days in the hope that we will get our hope child but sometimes I wonder if hope will actually walk in the door. "baby" came up today and I refer to the future kids as "children."
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