Session Number 2 Pride Training

I'm so emotionally drained. This is exhausting..........

How would I go about adopting, fostering, or foster to adopt through DCP&P f/k/a Dyfs

Welcome to my own version of how to. When my husband and I were first looking into this to find out where to begin was a big challenging. No one knows where to call or where to turn so I put this list together. I have to edit it as something have changed.

Good luck :) and feel free to reach out to me if something isn't clear. I've kept all my cards of who to speak to. 


How would I go about adopting, fostering, or foster to adopt through DCP&P f/k/a Dyfs
(1) Register by calling  1-877-NJ Foster to register. Everyone interesting in fostering, adoption, or foster to adopt has to register.
(2) Once you register you will be assigned a Family Recruiter who will send you a memo listing the next orientations sessions. You need to attend one of those sessions.
(3) Once you attend an orientation you will be given a packet of papers that need to be filled out and have to go for fingerprinting. You may not want to date them until the Recruiter or social worker comes out to your place.
(4) Call the Family Recruiter to indicate you are ready for your "walk through." They will just make sure nothing is wrong with your house that would not qualify you from passing the licensing process or home study.
(5) You will be assigned your case worker. Who will do a walk through again pointing out anything that needs to be changed depending on the age group you are interested in. You will be given more papers to fill out, they will go over the papers that you submitted to your Family Recruiter to further explain them see if there is anything you want to change. Make sure you schedule a physical with your doctor. You will meet with your case worker at least 2 additional times.
(6) Have to get ready and possibly change your schedule around for PRIDE training which is 9 sessions for 3 hours a night 2 nights a week.
(7) Finish up your home study and submit all the documentations that you need.
(8) Schedule your home inspection
I don't know what happens from here because i'm only in the PRIDE training section. So again I will update as I myself find out what is next.

Why

I need to come back and finish this. Things got to hectic today. 

When I am asked the reason why I am adopting through the state I seem to hesitate and freeze. I don't know why because this is something that has always been in the back of my mind. Every year I watch Dave Thomas Foundations tv special called "A Home For The Holidays." I never realized how that would play a role into my decision or how helpful it would truly be. I can recall a time in Biology class when a girl talked about how many foster homes she had been in and how some are in it for the money. I didn't really understand or know what a foster home was. She said she had moved so many times but this placement was good because her foster mom actually cared for her, fed her, make sure she had clean clothes, and so on. I don't remember ever seeing anyone go through the adoption process either through foster care or otherwise. So when things weren't working with numerous doctors and procedures we took a break.. Some people will tell you "why don't you just adopt." Like a store exists Adoption r us where you go pick a child out and immediately bring him/her home. I remember not knowing or being well educated. Where do I begin? What if..... All kinds of things came to mind then I researched The Dave Thomas Foundation and talked it over with my husband. We said we are going to go until we can't go anymore. When you have been through so much to have a child you reach a point and say "what do I have to loose?" We aren't done and at  times feel so far away from being approved. I heard from a social worker last night "we want you to succeed and be approved...." My stomach pains have gone away and my anxiety has been lifted for the moment. This is intense and I wonder how many "parents" would be able to complete this process.

Thousand Years Lyrics and Video

Yes this maybe the video for Twlight but that isn't what it has meant to me. This was featured on 2011 Home for the Holidays. Children waiting for forever homes spoke as this song played in the background. One step closer. 
Thousand Years Video

"A Thousand Years"
(from "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1" soundtrack)

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

So PRIDE training begins

It feels like an open course where yes you have a book and yes you have to cover material but you get to ask questions and discuss feelings. I remember our teacher telling us she expected us to behave like adults if we didn't share the same opinions as others. I find in life that can be so irritating when someone refuses to see anything but their way. If I didn't open up my world and see things in a different light I would not be going through this process with dyfs aka DCP&P. As I type this my scared terrified cat stormy is snuggled next to me. She leaped onto the couch and wanted a snuggle.

I saw this older type movie they make you show in the class. They had a candle lighting ceremony in the movie and I started to cry. It was cheezy and so exaggerated but still it stirred up things I haven't thought of in depth yet.  The thought that someone's family has to be torn apart before my family can begin. Meaning that this child has birth parents and relatives that he/she maybe attached too. It was funny when every time she approached a topic she would say my name when she told the class not to panic about something. Saying it to me and using my name. I was told to not look at it from a stand point of breaking a family apart that the family is already broken. Whatever the reason maybe birth family is unable to care for the child and you are giving an opportunity to provide a stable loving environment.

Another guy in the class said it best the video was depressing and uplifting. This experience can be just that. I have felt overwhelmed, emotional, lost, hopeful, sad, and a mixture mass of emotions. Deep breathes talking it out and a good sleep help.

Bad News Day?

Sadly the day has been filled with bad news followed by more bad news. Even as I posted the video for Elton John "blessed" my phone rings with bad news. Headache people everyone has a problem that has to be addressed immediately. My head hurts. Is it time to go home yet? Pwease?

Blessed by Elton John

If you read the lyrics "you're still just dream." "I know your blessed and you you'll be blessed you'll have the best I promise you that I picked your star"

80's music is telling the story

So it seems over all I have found that 80's music is telling my story now. When I find a song that even hints at what's going on I add it to my "journey" ipod playlist and now add it to my blog. To keep track of.

So Boyz II Men, 98degrees, and nkotb are touring together. I am not interested. What's up with that? I guess i'm ))gasp(( sadly growing up. booo

Time to get to bed and rest up for a new day of it's own issues. Hopefully an easy day but I don't know what those are anymore.

Knew you were waiting for me (Video)

Nothing's gonna stop us now Video and Lyrics

 

 

I swear this is our song about adoption. :-) 

 

 

 

Looking in your eyes I see a paradise
This world that I've found
Is too good to be true
Standing here beside you
Want so much to give you
This love in my heart that I'm feeling for you

Let em say were crazy, I don't care about that
Put your hand in my hand baby
Don't ever look back
Let the world around us just fall apart
Baby we can make it if were heart to heart

Chorus:
And we can build this thing together
Standing strong forever
Nothings gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
Well still have each other
Nothings gonna stop us, nothings gonna stop us now

I'm so glad I found you
I'm not gonna lose you
Whatever it takes I will stay here with you
Take it to the good times
See it through the bad times
Whatever it takes is what I'm gonna do

Let em say were crazy, what do they know
Put your arms around me baby
Don't ever let go
Let the world around us just fall apart
Baby we can make it if were heart to heart

And we can build this thing together
Standing strong forever
Nothings gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
Well still have each other
Nothings gonna stop us, nothings gonna stop us

Ooh, all that I need is you
All that I ever need
And all that I want to do
Is hold you forever, ever and ever, hey

(guitar solo)

And we can build this thing together
Standing strong forever
Nothings gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
Well still have each other
Nothings gonna stop us
Nothings gonna stop us, whoa
Nothings gonna stop us now, oh no

Hey baby, I know, hey baby, nothings gonna stop us
Hey baby, woo, nothing, hey baby
Nothings gonna stop us now yeah

I'm so sad I could blog about it

I found what I thought was a nice page to report good news about adoption. Turns out someone who is bitter about the adoption process created a facebook page for all things negative. Some of the news and events that are being reported aren't true or are so old it seems to play on peoples fear. "hey just when you think you don't have enough to worry about I'll just add some more."

I dis liked them.

Uplifting song Make it happen (lyrics and video)

make it happen  
Click that link for the lyrics


 When I am feeling down I listen to this song. When the social worker was here "home" by phil phillip can on. The next day at work that song played followed by make it happen mariah carey.

I would die for that (video and lyrics)

I would die for that Lyrics Kelly Coffey

Walk on Faith (video and lyrics)

When everything inside is telling you to give up walk on faith Trust in Love

We have come to this place in our love
Where faith must be stronger than fear

For if true love is our destination
Thru every storm it must always be clear
The surest way to get there from here
Is to walk on faith
Trust in love Just keep on putting one foot down
In front the other
When the valley so wide
We stumble in stride

And everything inside wants to give up
Walk on faith trust in love
Farther on beyond the shadows of our doubts
We will live where true love never dies

Though the road we must travel is uncertain
There is a truth in our hearts that never lies
It is by such grace we are bound to arrive

Come on walk on faith when the valley is wide
And everything inside is telling you to give up

Quote from group Adoption Share

From Adoption Share which posted this on Facebook. Love it.....

We came across this quote on a conversation thread on Facebook and have to share: "Adoption is an event, not an identity. Adoption does not answer the question who, it answers the question how. How did we become a family? How did you come to us? And once a child comes to a family, the event becomes past tense. My children aren't adopted, they WERE adopted."

Round two visit with more questions

She arrived on the dot of 2pm Thursdays. We sat where we had before and went over questions we've answered several times before. The dog was thinking we were eating and not inviting him. The cats hid for fear that someone was here to well give them a vaccination. We had questionnaires to fill out and tons of things to explain. She had said several times that she doesn't see anything wrong and isn't disturbed by anything that came back. I have to make a call because  my doctor hasn't sent my physical back. Both our jobs haven't sent the forms in. She says that isn't a big deal she can fax the form if she needs to.

The questions are intense and sometimes I feel like I'm not answering them the greatest. I feel judged and on the spot. I am thinking that is normal. That you can't help but feel that way when someone digs into your life. I told her I was an open book and mentioned things I'm sure she wasn't expecting. We each have a past that we can't erase and can only look forward. I can't change the way things happened or how I reacted, but can promise that I have learned from things and will do much better next time.

It still doesn't feel real. So when she was asking about what we would do with the child I am like ummm daycare of course. If the child is school age then he/she would need after care. She was taken back that the school is so close to us. It hit me that summer is going to be very tricky.  I did find several summer camps. Here is the tricky part. I don't know what age, when, or boy or girl. I take the information I can and have several options available. I keep thinking this could happen really soon and I need to be prepared as best as I can. I blank on this flyer we received about a place that offers childcare in between school breaks or when camps are in session. Do you think I can possibly remember that? That would be no. They also provide daycare on snow days. I will be paying close attention this year to have just in case that comes to be an issue.

I did tell her that breakfast and really any meal is important. To sit down start the day with a good breakfast. Lunch on the weekends or holidays when the child is home. Dinner around the table to discuss our days and find out what's happening. A set time for bed you know all that stuff.

Bat cat aka Stormy thinks the bed in the red room is for her and she is enjoying sun bathing. She loves her bed and Batman. Who knew? This child is in for a treat with all our animals and their personalities. They will be scared at first but another person to eat with, walk with, cuddle with, feed me treats, play with me, and so on they will love. 

We start our PRIDE training on Jan 28th. 27 hours and I already know the woman who is teaching the course. The social worker comes back on March 7th. We should be completed then and get a Homestudy shortly after and hopefully know by April. Maybe perhaps give or take a few weeks. If we fail the Homestudy or can't get forms that will hold everything up. Sooner or later. As my support group says don't give up, have faith, and make sure to go out with your hubby as often as you can. They say once you have kids that doesn't always happen.

Great group last night. I will post more about that later but need to make the cookies I promised someone.

Not sure if anyone reads these posts. I'm busy looking up advice or anything I can get for the child now. So far I am not coming up with much of anything. I find projects to make for someones future baby. Okay cookie time!

Magical Words

Magical words are "I don't see any reason why you won't be approved"

I will take it. :) My husband has informed me that 3 children in our
house would not work because we would run out of room. I say better
utilitze storage and make sure to constantly purge what isn't needed.
I know that sounds easy but as we shove all of our things into green
aka office I think that I can go through that stuff and let so much of
it go. I have to work on that.

I love this so much

Rules for owning a cellphone

I want to tweak it for something to display in my home for "house rules." Because I love love the idea and think it was so well thought out. Awesome!!!


I have to update about yesterdays visit I will do that when I get home today. I woke up very very late today and woke up when I would normally leave the house. Uggggg not the way to start out any day.

So What..... Lyrics and Video

A song that can mean anything from a relationship gone bad to a difficult time in life. It may be difficult at the moment but you look back on and go "so what?" 

So What Video

Should've been easy, but it wasn't.
Should be painless, but it's not.
Should've seen the truth in you, but I didn't.
Should've done a lot of things so what; so what?

If it hadn't been for losing you, I'd still be back in Jackson
Settling for settling, and getting what I got.
But where I am, and who I am, was well-worth every lesson.
Guess you could say I've learned a lot.
Yeah, you broke my heart so what?

Could've cried a river for you, but I wouldn't
I could've just laid down and given up.
Could've tried to be somebody I wasn't.
I could have asked her name for what; for what?

If it hadn't been for losing you, I'd still be back in Jackson
Settling for settling, and getting what I got.
But where I am, and who I am, was well-worth every lesson.
Guess you could say I've learned a lot.
Yeah, you broke my heart so what?

So what if it hurt me for a little while?
So what if some teardrops had to fall?
So what if I never thought I'd love again.?
I know I'm better for it all.

If it hadn't been for losing you, I'd still be back in Jackson
Settling for settling, and getting what I got.
But where I am, and who I am, was well-worth every lesson.
Guess you could say I've learned a lot.
Yeah, you broke my heart so what?
Yeah, you broke my heart so what?

Dear Jessica.....

Dear Jessica Simpson it's called birth control sweetie look it up.

I'm sorry that was mean.....I can't help it I try really I do but....it just happens.....

I get bitter about "accidental" pregnancies. I'm so tired of hearing every step of certain stars pregnancies I turn the tv off, change the channel, stop reading an article, and everything I can from hearing about it. It still lurks in the shadows.

Great I have to hear about Kim's pregnancy. Who cares? I'm sorry I'm bitter and infertile. Need I say more? Kim wants privacy? Seriously? Stop with the reality shows and start living in reality. Don't make a boom boom tape with guy. So mean..... I'm sorry really I am.......I have to stop this is useless focus on positive things my dear. 

Under Pressure

(Under Pressure) That's what I feel like lately. Trying to cram so much into such a little bit of time. Trying to balance work with the adoption process and still maintain some time to breathe. Social worker comes back on Thursday here's hoping we are ready for her. Will update more just don't have the time......

I keep saying more time, more sleep, and more of other things. I will figure out how to balance it all.

How many kids will you have?

So many were taking these quizes and I just had to try them out. 

How many kids will you have and what will their names be?
Two boys named Spencer and Connor
When you are 29, you will have your first child, a baby boy named Spencer. Spencer will have blond hair and blue eyes and will hate to get his hair cut. He will be a daddy's boy and will love to play football with his dad. He will love to travel. His best friends will be named Michael and Christian and he will have a crush on a pretty girl in his grade named Madison. However, when he is older, he will marry Madison's friend named Bridgette and him and Christian will star in a rock band. Two years later, when you're 31, you will have another baby boy named Connor. Connor looks just like Spencer in hair and eyes, but he is shy and is a mommy's boy. He is shy and often made fun of by his brother who says he is a "crybaby". Connor's best friend will be named Ethan and he is too shy to ask his crush, Lily, out on a date. He finally asks her out in high school, but by university, he forgets about her and marries a college student named Luna. Wow, you must have a rowdy household with 2 boys!

second one 
 
Triplets!
You will have two baby girls name Megan and Mattie and one baby boy named Mason on March 29 2017

Third one

I'm Going to Have 2 Kids!

Two kids is perfect for you! You want a classic family setting, and 2 kids fits that lifestyle for you. You value family life a lot, which is why you will be the perfect parent for your two cuties!

This is hysterical a review on a banana slicer

This is an actual quote from someone who purchased the banana slicer.

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

Hutzler-5717-571-Banana-Slicer

Excuse me where is your baby proofing section?

Yes I went to my first store and had to ask that question. They did not but it was asked and that was interesting. So onto Target and we walked the whole store. Where could this section be? Doesn't anyone work here? Suddenly I stop and it hits me maybe the baby proofing is in the baby section. Yes some of it is and there isn't to much but it served the purpose of what I needed. Two more power strips because we can not have extension cords. I mentioned to the hubby that I wasn't sure our garbage can would pass and since we had some money left over on gift cards we got a new affordable trash can. Yes life is so glamorous when you can blog about your pretty new trash can. Hope the state approves.

Green room is my project once I finish blogging because we can't have the verizon fios guy thinking we are slobs. I could care less what this guy thinks of me. I installed seats in cars where parents were apologizing to me because they felt the car wasn't clean. I wasn't worried about their car I was worried about their car seat. Which by the way I went to that aisle and said to the car seats hey so we meet again. My husband shook his head and said he wouldn't want to get the cheapest seat. This is what we are warned about in class people who think that because the seat is super expensive it's great. Let me introduce to my recall list of car seat issues that is over 40 pages long. My car doesn't have the latch system so it means that installing a car seat is going to be a gem of a great time. Locking clips and I will have our reunion since we last were pushed together during class. The option of not having a child who needs a car seat is another thing. I know I mention this time and time again. I'm sorry.

In other news I fear from an email I got that the adoption support group may not be doing so well. I am still new to the group but have so far found it very helpful. When you get to hear in person from others who have been where you are and get it and know what you are going through it's great. A couple of things they need help with I will try and see if I can. I don't want to over step my place as a new member. Will just have to see what develops and go from there.

Song Stop for me (music video lyrics)

I really thought this train would stop for me..................





I had big plans
More powerful than a locomotive
Innocent as a flower growing
In the middle of a barley field
I didn't understand
That you could have pockets overflowing with determination
Give it all you got with no congratulations
And still be at the bottom of the hill
Waiting at the station
With the rails laid out before me
Trying to be patient
Hoping it didn't leave

Sitting on a suitcase
Crossing fingers counting the days til it arrived
I was sure that it was coming
But somehow it just passed me by
Oh how could I be so naive
I always thought this train would stop for me

I had a ticket
That was paid for with my hard earned money
I thought that maybe that would count for something
Wasn't looking for a free ride
But nobody mentioned
ohhh sometimes all the passenger seats are taken
The cars are full and it's a rude awakening
When you're left behind
So disappointed... yeah
I never even got to try
Instead of living in the moment... ohhh
I've been wasting all this time

Sitting on a suitcase
Crossing fingers counting the days til it arrived
Ohhh I was sure that it was coming
But somehow it just passed me by
Oh how could I be so naive
Well I always thought this train would stop for me

Stop, stop, stop, I always
Thought, thought, that it would stop

Sitting on a suitcase
Crossing fingers counting the days til it arrived
Ohhhhhh I was sure that it was coming
But somehow it just passed me by
Oh how could I be so naive

I always thought this train
Yeah I always thought that this train yeah
I always thought this train would stop for me

I thought it would stop for me yeah...

So Hard (music video) Break the silence

Standing outside the fire (music video)

 I feel sometimes that we are standing outside the fire.....................


We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

No Fear (music video)

 Lyrics:

I want a road streching out before me
I want a radio in my ear
I want a full tank of absolution
No fear

I want a rain storm to pull me over
Then a sky that begins to clear
Towards the truest of destinations
No fear

I used hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear

I want the world to just keep on turning
I want the dawn in my rear view mirror
I want to hear my own voice singing
No fear

And when I need two arms around me
And there's no one near
When I'm alone let the only sound be
No fear

I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear

I want peace, love, and understanding
A stogie and an ice cold beer
Don't wanna live afraid of dying

I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I used to stay up all night long
Wondering what I was doing wrong
All I ever needed was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I find
No fear
No fear
No fear

No Less Than a Woman (music video)

She is awesome. If the song doesn't thrill you I invite you to google the lyrics. Because it's awesome!

Here you go:

Verse 1:
Infertility is a word that a lot of people are ashamed to mention, a lot of people are so illiterate when it come to that word. They act as if it's a crime if you can't have a child. But I don't think so, I don't have a child, I may one day. But in the mean time I am going to share all my love.


Chorus:
Not having a child don't make me any less than a woman, you see I got so much love to give, to so much unwanted kids, you can say all you want about me trying and ruin my reputation, ah still got so much love to give to so much unwanted kids, listen to my song.


Verse 2:
I may not know the joy of giving birth, may not experience the pain and all the hurt, but I know how it feels to lose a child, and if pain is pain then I am hurting inside. If infertility makes me less than a girl, what would you say to many women in this world. Would you tell them have faith, would you tell them be strong or would you tell them that they're less than a woman?


Chorus


Verse 3:
I would give anything to have a child of my own but in the meantime let me share my happy home with the less fortunate, take away some of the stress from a child who has never known love and happiness. Miscarriages remind me of baby carriages. of Broken hearts, short flings,failed marriages, the pain never go away, we try to keep them at bay. Oh I wish if my baby could have stayed.


Chorus


Verse 4:
Some people have kids and wish them never did, some kids grew up hating the life weh them live, some have it easy, some have it hard, some mothers abandon dem pickney like dawg. But wanti wanti dem can't get it and getti getti get and run weh lef eeh. Me nuh have none so you know me will take eeh me have a lot of love so send me little Becky Ann.


Chorus


Verse 5:
You see, what I am saying is this song is dedicated to all the females who have been trying to have children but never succeed. Some have miscarriage just like myself, but you know what, don't give up, have faith, one day you may just succeed. You know what I'm saying, and don't feel you are less than a woman because you don't have a child 'cause once you give you love to other children that come. You know what I'm saying.

Another Amazing Quote

"i just want my smile on your face too" <==== that makes me cry

Yes we hope for that too....We thank you all for the unspoken love and  support.

Miscarriage my fear

Ok so i'm posting a lot i'm sorry......


I get from time to time people who say "don't you want your own kids..." when I say i'm adopting. I channel the person who gave me a key piece of advice. That people will say things and rather then get mad at them it's a time to "educate" them. If I adopt a child then it will be my child. It is my own child whether you see it or not. I heard stories recently of people who were pregnant but miscarried the child. The devastation and  heartbreak tore me apart. Unfortunately i've never been pregnant and never suffered a miscarriage but the devastation of not being able to get pregnant has haunted me enough that I'm afraid terrified of a miscarriage. A reproductive endocrinologist explained to me that it's natures way of ending a pregnancy that isn't right. Of course he's a male has no uterus and read that explanation out of a text book and while I get that it doesn't make it any less painful. Adoption is a bright light to a tunnel that has been filled with such darkness. I do not have to dope myself up on hormones that in the long run may cause me to battle a disease. It's a small world when you come across someone who had the same doctor as you and now she's having a double mastectomy and fighting for her life because of the hormones she was on to have her daughter. I want to be there for my child. I saw a celebrity recently who discovered she had breast cancer. She didn't go to much into it but she had been on so many hormones. So on the side of being afraid of cancer and miscarriages.

I would love to have experienced pregnancy once in my life. If that isn't the way it works then I have to believe that it wasn't meant to be that way. Adoption means that a child who is already  born doesn't have a forever family and we want a forever family hello.

To get me to you.... (music video)

This is a song that I listen to when I am down and think yes I will not regret the rain or the nights I felt the pain all the tears I had to cry so much times along the way every road I had to take every time my heart would break it was just something that I had to get to to get me to you........

P.S. this song makes me cry...... 

I just haven't met you yet (music video)

Oh yes I promise you kid i'll give so much more than I get I just haven't met you yet.......

What is this free time you speak of?

I wish I had some free time. To sew to do just well anything you can do with free time. We have so much to do that even writing this blog is time taken away from it. I need some downtime otherwise I will go insane. I know tonight I was thinking about everything I needed to do at home. I wasn't going to do the inspection because we just have so much and well I ended up feeling like I had to switch things around and let the other things wait.

I have the room which was suppose to be the childs room and it's now the office a/k/a the green room. I have to switch things around and make sure that's ok for  the verizon guy. Because my husband pointed out you wouldn't want the verizon guy thinking we are slobs. I'm sorry I don't care what the verizon thinks of me. Suck it up seriously. The red room aka the childs room has to be completely cleared out of personal belongings. In other words it's mass panic to find new homes for everything or toss it away. I have to be careful otherwise i'm destined to be on an episode of hoarders. I didn't realize one could be so attached to items i forgot existed.

In all that we have to do tomorrow we have to get additional baby proofing items. It doesn't feel real. I know it's a defense and i'm trying to save myself any heartache but stuff is getting real and it so doesn't feel real. Does that make sense cause it does to  me........

I know people think that because i'm off from work tomorrow i'm just eating bonbons on the couch. We have so much to do that i'd be less busy at work. It's exhausting to think of. Deep breathing...Mellow Yellow......

Different Places (thought this post deleted on me)

Sorry I thought this deleted 

It's kinda sad to see people in your life that at one point you were pretty close to and suddenly you feel like it's a stranger sittting next to you or someone you use to know on the phone. It's hard to explain but at the same time it's a part of life. Maybe you are at different places, maybe you both lead very busy lives and mean to pick up the phone but there aren't enough hours in the day, maybe you don't want to annoy the person but at the same time they don't want to annoy you so words and so many things go unspoken, maybe you think they are mad at you, maybe you don't want to be a bother and maybe they think they are bothering you, etc..... I could go on for hours and days. I'm sad that some people I am not that close with but I don't know how to fix it. A

I secured a car seat with a seat belt without a clip

No One understands that accomplishment unless you are a safe cargo tech who doubts yourself. It's a step in an awesome direction.

In other news I get to sample car seats that I both like and really dis like. So it's helpful.  Just cause that car seat is expensive doesn't mean it's all that and a bag of chips.

Different Places

Different places.....

Ever have that person or relationship in your life and realize that those people you aren't so close with anymore? It's a fact of life. It doesn't 'mean you don't care about them and it doesn't mean they don't care about you. You just no longer have them as available to you as you once did. Maybe you went to the same school, lived in the same town, and so on...... I wish that some people in my life I was still as close with. But at the same time we can pick up right where we left off. I've gone through so much in my life already that I'd hate to lose anyone else in my life. I wish nothing but the best for them and know that i'm sure they wish the same for me. It sometimes brings me to tears because I wish things were different but I know that it's not that we don't like/love each other. It's just life is crazy and things are just insane these days schedules clash and we can't make time for one another that we wish we could. Those people that I may not be close with you can bet my child will know who they are cause they helped shape me to who I am today. I know that I may not see all of them as much as I wish we could but if I truly needed them I could count on them to have my back. I really hope that in the future we are able to be as close as we were and able to pick up where we left off and not drift again. If that doesn't happen that is okay. It has to be because I have to accept people and situations for what they are and not what I want them to be. A lesson I still can't grasp even now.

Like Adele says "I wish nothing but the best for you....don't forget me...."

Somewhere out there (video)

Doesn't this kinda say it all sometimes?

It's a typical Tuesday night here....

Exhausted but the mind is racing with so many thoughts. I need more hours in a day to get more done. I need more sleep. I need a magic wand.

I saw a few posts about adoption from the different websites adoptuskids.org and another website who both were saying certain myths another asked for people to come forward who have been through the process.

I know we have been told that chances are we won't get a baby but so many people don't get that. If we do then wonderful if we don't that's okay too. I don't have expectations, an age in mind, or anything. I'm letting it go and let it be whatever it is. Sometimes I wish others would understand that. Maybe i'll have my caseworker or any other social worker tell them what they have told us. Because children who are placed in foster care have 16 months to be reunited with birth parents. If that doesn't happen their case is turned from reunification to adoption. I say this over and over again but I feel like I would just love to know how this plays out. That can't exactly happen.

I would like to blog more but I'm so emotional drained and everything is so tiring these days.

Good day to all.

Home (music video)

http://youtu.be/HoRkntoHkIE
The lyrics are cute.....

I'm going to make this house your home.

Home by Phil is an awesome song. Ironically I first heard it during the week of Hurricane Sandy with no power and a radio. I thought this is exactly what my husband and I are doing. We are preparing to make this house your home little one. So everytime I get frustrated or overwhelmed I just remember that song and all those lyrics. "Know your not alone cause i'm going to make this place your home....."

I will post the video next post now time to get back to work.

Q and A that i've been asked Part 1

These have been some questions I've been asked and some that I have been thinking about.

1) Have you thought about having your own kids?

Seriously? Is what comes to mind when I hear that. Hubby and I haven't been to open with others about our journey and the total of what we've been through. The medications and doctors is enough to drive anyone crazy. I want to be a mother and whether that child comes from my uterus or my heart it will be my child or (children).

2) How long will it take for you to get a child?

I don't know the answer to that because not even the state knows the answer. We at one time were told 4 years. Yes 4 years. The usual "good news is you are both young." Unless of course you go to a fertility doctor and it's omg we have to hurry your eggs may expire. I truly hope it doesn't take 4 years and though the waiting scares me because I don't know and I don't know how to prep for the child. I want to be prepared but this with the age gap and time makes it hard.

3) What if a family member or friend isn't accepting of the child? What will you do?

I really hope that doesn't happen and have such faith that all family and friends will be on board especially when they meet the child.  If  we reach a point where we have an issue with someone we will make sure to go over the situation together away from the child. Decide who is better to approach the family member or friend. If after that the situation still doesn't change then again together will go over things and express to this person that if it continues we may have to distances ourselves from them until they are willing to accept the child. My child will be my priority and if someone in my family or circle of friends isn't accepting to them then I really have to evaluate our relationship. I really hope that doesn't happen. 

4) Will you continue to work after you have a child?

I have been asked this so much. Yes I plan on continuing to work even after we have a child. It would be nice to have the ability to be a stay at home but my job has the benefits and even though I don't make that much I still couldn't afford to not have it. I am unsure how much time I can take off. I don't have maternity leave but am hoping for whatever time I can get off.

5) Are you excited?

Yes. Thrilled beyond belief but I'm terrified that something won't go our way and we won't be able to adopt. I know i'm such a downer.

6) Are you scared?

Oh my yes! I'm afraid i'm going to fail at this, i'm afraid the child is going to hate me, i'm afraid things won't work out, and I have so many fears that it would take me so long to post.


Time out to get a shower and maybe do some more housework before eventually getting to bed.

My new "therapy" talking with others who have been here

I found blogs as I mentioned in an earlier post about couples who have gone through the adoption process. I found even more and have just been curious how they came to their decision and reading about their journey. I know that we are still in the early early stages of this but everyday we do a little more and every day we take one step closer. The end of the month we begin 27 hours mandatory pride training. My husband has had to change his schedule completely. It isn't exactly easy for him and he was so worried he would lose hours. This is all for the good. It's 9 days and we can do this!

Now I know there is so much to say but I just can't think since it is Sunday night and tomorrow means a brand new week of work and all that jazz.......


January use to be the month that everything dragged and marked the end of the holiday season which was sad. This January has been so super busy.

The cats got their shots. Amen!!

It started really easy waking up and somehow they all were in the yellow room aka the dining room. I had to wear gloves and got all the cats. Now this sums up pretty quickly and if you ask my husband he will tell you it was easy. Yes the vet came to the house, yes they all were in one room, yes they all ended up getting their shots, and yes it's finished. The first one was the easiest and i'm sure they didn't understand. Stormy was the issue and the one I was most concerned with. She tried running into windows and doors to escape and ended up a little banged up the vet checked and said she was ok. IF she wasn't I was going to have to catch her again tranquilizer her and he could do his magic. This should be the hardest part of the process and yes I'm so thankful that it is behind us. When he said they need teeth cleanings next time I started to laugh because I was really crying on the inside. Did I mention they were Ferrel cats? I can't do this again. If I have to I will. Actually since my husband said it was so busy. He didn't catch the cats, he didn't get them in a room, he didn't hold them down as they were getting examined,  and he didn't get bitten and clawed from Stormy.

In a turn of events Stormy is now my best friend.   

so much to reflect on but no time to do it.

Excuse me while I adjust myself so that my cat on my lap who is prrring away can rest. After the vet coming to the house tomorrow she may not be on my lap. Yes our cats our getting vaccinated tomorrow morning and I am freaking out. You try rallying up 3 cats one who is terrified of her own shadow into a room with a guy in a white lab coat with needles. The dog will be here too. It's going to be a blast. Luckily it's first thing in the am and out of the way. Oh dear me I hope it's quick and painless.

My doctors appointment was long and went well. My physical is good and I was signed off. Another mountain climbed and another thing to be done in this process.

The car passed inspection woot woot! It's a red sticker which oddly looks like the rejection sticker. I don't like that. It bothers me. Red I guess symbolizes me bad rejection naughty anxious feelings.

Verizon fios is coming out to add another coax cable so that we can take the router and wireless thingie out of the red room. Because the red room needs to be free and clear of personal items.  That's proving to be a lot of moving around and adjusting. I know this is never going to be boom little bit of time done. Pebbles would prefer if I focused the attention on her at the moment. "Hello adorable pretty purring kitty who deserves all the attention."