Hope Faith Blau

A new screen name I have on an adoption site. Since that's what i'm running on faith and hope. :)

Savannah?

A few days ago the name Savannah popped into my head and I don't know why. I'm not sure it has any meaning at all. I just keep thinking that is what my future daughters name is. For all I know I am probably completely off course. That's ok. as 2012 closes and 2013 enters i'm thinking this may actually be our year. It would be nice and always great to be hopeful but it may not and I get that. The last 4 and half years have taught me anything it's to never assume something will happen but be realistic but not to much where it cuts you off from reality. Well it would be nice but I don't need to say that anymore in this process.

The linen closet is done for the time being. Maybe the red room will be transformed tomorrow. Wouldn't it be nice? 

I found some adoption blogs

Darn @@@@@@@@ I had a whole post written and it deleted. Darn you laptop!

I found some adoption blogs and reading them has been helpful. To see people where I am now and where I will hopefully end up. With a forever child to add to our household.

So much to do and so little time. I have a 54 page thingy to fill out. Have to go to bed soon before I delete this one too.

I guess I expected more interest

I don't know if i'm reading to much into this or maybe it's just all around me. I guess I expected family to be more "interested" or "involved" in the process of adoption. I don't know that some really get it or why we have to the conclusion that we have. Maybe they are scared to ask maybe we haven't been to forward maybe something else is causing them not to ask about anything. 

I can tell you one family member who anytime I try to say something this person takes everything and makes it about them and then goes on this rant about something they are going through. Hi I'm adopting through the state and doing something that is so far out of my comfort zone jumping through hoops that may or may not result in a child but please lets talk about you and what is happening in your life.

Also I find they assumption that we are going to get a new born. Yeah that's not likely and something that doesn't even seem to be an option. So when people want to give us things meant for an itty bitty baby i'm like no we are most likely not going to get an infant. It's hard to say how old that child will be but it's most likely not going to require to much of  baby stuff. Then again you just never know.

I am not going to say anything to family because I get that everyone has things going on in there life but when I hear some comments I immediately tense up because I just wonder. Do you get it?

Chances are they aren't saying things to hurt me but sometimes it feels that way.

The journey to anything in my life has not been without issues and a very tough rough road. I can't wait till this is just a memory of saying "remember when we thought we would never see this day..." I feel in some ways I have to stay guarded. I'm spinning in circles.

Thunder and sirens oh my.....

It seems in the matter of a few minutes things went kinda crazy. Our thermostat seems to be working with heating system. I thought my husband was intercoming me. I was actually but intercoming myself as I had both phones with me lol. Outside suddenly a flash of light followed by big booms and animals going crazy. Now sirens and heavy rain mixed with wind... It's december people. What the fudge? Not a fan of this weather. I hate wind with the trees outside because I fear it falling somewhere bad and hurting something someone. Making it nearly impossible to move forward with adoption. Please oh please lets get through this. Haven't we had enough of this already? I found myself gathering up the matches, candles, and lighters. Hey when you have your power disappear for as long as sandy life is never the same when any storm hits. Prayers this ends peacefully. May the force be with us all......

The heat is out in the house

So I wake up to find the house is freezing which tells me that the heat is once again playing games. The hubby must have not noticed it or thought hey it's fixed itself before it will do that. So no it just got worse I went downstairs where the furnace is and couldn't see the red light that sometimes goes off to indicate it needs to be restarted. It's now 55 degrees and declining with a nor easter the day after christmas and no one is answering their phone. Finally after exhausting all measures I got the referral for a guy from my  mother he's coming to look at it and hopefully fix it. He actually answered the phone. I'm numb to it because if it's not this it would be something else. I have to get my fractured tooth pulled tomorrow and a dental implant started and you know what that means? cha ching. I asked my husband if maybe this is a sign that we shouldn't adopt right now because everything seems to be falling apart little by little. He said that was crazy. It's always always going to be something. I just wish we could escape the constant rush of money that is required for everything. Trying to think happy thoughts and froth up some hot chocolate on my new machine.

The heat is working in the basement and is now 10 degrees warmer there. Upstairs is still not out of the 50's. It's slowly seems to be increasing. The gurgling has started but it's just not warm yet. I don't get it. I wish I could just shut off. If only. This vacation is beginning to suck with every passing day something else happens. Maybe for 2013 I should invest in a bubble to protect myself.

The bad news is I got a laptop which means these posts are going to increase because it's portable. Hello. Mama likes!

So last week my dog tore is acl.
I fractured a tooth which had a post and crown already on it. Half of the post is lodged in my tooth creating an infection.
The heat is broken.
Our dryer died.
So much more that I can't recall.
2012 I had so much hope for you!
The good news is a new year with new possibilities and new hope are around the corner. 

When your Case worker says....

She was considering private adoption thru an agency. I was thinking. "why not through the state foster care?" 

Am I wrong to wonder why a social worker for the state for adoption. Isn't going through the state. 

Our path isn't for everyone I get that but still.......

How a year can change.....

Looking back at old posts it's amazing where you can be in 1 year. We thought 2012 would be our year a better year. It's not perfect but it's got a glimmer and ray of sunshine. Which I didn't feel last year. I'm guarded and worried and that's normal. I worry enough for both the husband and I.

What is your motivation?

This is long and I'm sorry you might want to break for refreshments or something........
 
Can you guess that yesterday our case worker came over to ask us a bunch of questions, go over forms, go through the house, and so much more. When she left my head was pounding and I took a moment to lay back on the bed and sigh. These next few months are going to be intense really really intense. We start our required courses the end of January which is broken down into 9 sessions for 3 hours. Sadly Steve had to adjust his schedule and was really worried about missing out on the money because after all he isn't going to get compensated for the time he misses. It seems that that is kinda working itself out. We will do what we need to do to get through this. This is just a stone to step on and continue to our next stone. If you get the drift....... So during the sit down at times I got that she was very straight to the point she isn't willy wonka she isn't sugar coating a thing. She said something that kinda upset me "do you expect that to get a child with no problem..." No we don't. The open to discussion line that I wrote in the notes of every page as a suggestion from a woman in group seem to irritate my case worker.  She would break out into what felt like a scolding then say a line like "it's not that bad" or "don't worry we can do this...." I have come to the conclusion that this is going to be an oxy moron process. We have to hurry through the process and be done by February and I was told it could be 4 years or so until we have a child. Hurry up and wait. "But don't worry you are young..." I laugh because if you see a fertility doctor when you hit 30 it's like the world is ending and you have to hurry up cause your eggs aren't what they use to be and blah blah blah blah.......

Anyway we were given a manual that I have to wonder who didn't understand that they have to put clean clothes on a child or give a child a bath or brush their teeth. A few times she called me mother, the mom, or mom. She would moved on and I sat and thought wait what did you call me? This doesn't feel real. I know the point is to have a child but someone is going to call me mom? Seriously? When you go through infertility you realize that you should always prepare for what if this doesn't work or protect your heart so it doesn't shatter into a million pieces if you do in fact build up the hope and it doesn't work, I frustrated many of my infertility doctors and obgyn's because I always said "but what if this doesn't work....." I always wanted it to work but hello reality is might not work. 

So I know i'm rambling and I feel like i'm missing so much of what happened yesterday. She asked me "what is your motivation for adoption?" I had to ask her what she meant by that. I had to back up and tell a little bit of the past in order to understand why we are where we are today. I then responded that we got hurried up and got married in 2008 and hoped to start a family right away but that didn't exactly happened. It's been a long journey with doctors and specialists and the next step would be IVF. But with my insurance the medications are not covered and their is no guarantee because what if it doesn't work. They don't talk about the medications long lasting side effects or what medical issues down the line you may have because of all these hormones you have to pump or inject in your body. I got a taste of the self injections and hormone rages. They aren't fun. I cried for no reason and snapped for no reason. It's pms'ing to the next level. I semi looked at adoption but thought even with the state it was out of our reach. We want a family with kids and if that comes from birthing them or being matched through dyfs adoption. It's not difference in my book. They will be my child loved and cared for period. People will toss in their 2 cents and tell us what we need to do or should do. Have you tried this? Don't do that because of blah blah.... Again people mean the best and are looking out for us even if when they say things you kind of step back like "did you just say that?...." 

Every visit, talk, form, or call from dyfs leaves me emotional exhausted. Did I  mention this is maybe the worst time of the year that we could have done this? When would have been a great I don't know......I will continue to research and not give up hope that this is our road our path that we are meant to go down. Unless dyfs rejects us. I don't know what we will do then. I'm scared to think what we will do then. After the whole window in the green room madness and garbage can. 

We have so much to do until the next visit of January 17th. Right before we start classes. Woooo hooo. Please say a little prayer for us.

On the flip side (another quote)

“On the other side of this pain is great joy……”

What a friend said (have to refer to this)

I think that you will even find it better then actually giving birth!! You are able to help raise a child that has no love in their life or parents do all the wrong things!! You are going to be able to change a child’s whole life!! And if you ask me I think that is pretty special!!

More wonderful great quotes......

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

Each person comes into this world with a specific destiny--he has something to fulfill, some message has to be delivered, some work has to be completed. You are not here accidentally--you are here meaningfully. There is a purpose behind you. The whole intends to do something through you.

Song: Hereos By: The Isaacs

The Isaacs Heros
The Lyrics: 
Momma combs his hair and Daddy helps him brush his teeth
Day after day for thirty years the same routine
The special needs he lives with make life seem so unfair
But he thanks God every day cause he knows Mom and Dad are there

(chorus) He's a hero and she's a hero
It doesn't matter that nobody knows their name
They keep on giving to make life worth living
Might go unnoticed but they're heroes just the same

They tried for many years to have a baby of their own
But God knew a little girl who didn't have a home
Someone else's burden was their blessing in disguise
And now she's got a Mom and Daddy there to hold her when she cries
(chorus)

Every single parent who must carry twice the load
And those who sacrifice to raise a child that's not their own
They dedicate their time to make a difference in someone else's life
And in my eyes

(chorus)

They might go unnoticed but they're heroes just the same.

Wonderful Quote

Looking to join an adoption support group and I come across this what looks like awesome group and find this amazing quote that I will need to totally bookmark.

"Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way."

Hold On (another really great song)

The lyrics.......

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.

Running on Faith (a song in my infertility playlist)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFssNucHiQk

If this link works correctly. I think this how you do this but this is still new to me. This is Eric Clapton and the song is "Running on Faith." When I heard this I thought "sometimes I feel like this..." That I'm running on faith because it's sometimes the only thing that keeps me moving.

Penelope the Piggie

What a great find. In case the font is to small it says. "With her head-strong determination and good fortune, Penelope is the perfect depiction of overcoming impossible odds! Her personal wager against anyone using the phrase "When pigs fly!" has brought much abundance and prosperity indeed!

I think it's really great and not even what I was looking for. I went in to get a little something for a co worker who always finds really nice things there. In this one section is random stuff and this little pretty box with a very pretty pig and when I saw the saying i was like awwww that fits perfectly into my life at the moment.  

So much to update and no time to do it

My hope is that this blog turns into a scrapbook to be handed down to any and all future children so that if they ever want to read about how much they were loved and wanted before they were even here they can. Also it provides some much needed therapy for myself to get out what at the time I'm thinking/feeling. I would like to give this out to others to see but then I fear a few things about that but I most likely will. My feeling is if you want to see my journey click and read if you would rather not then don't click. It's purely up to the person how involved they would like to be. I can't believe I spelled involved correctly it doesn't look right but anyway so of course focus! I don't want people to feel that need to rescue me or walk on egg shells around me. Maybe I should come with a sign that tells you what my mood is and a color associated with whether you should proceed with caution, totally okay, don't even talk to me and so on. I have to upload some photos, music videos, and Penelope the Piggie which was not something I was looking for and bam found her. She will be kept close by for a long time. Next post I will explain her better unless you have seen my facebook update in which case you know who she is.

Adoption?

This is something we have flipped back and forth on. What scares me? After you pick yourself up from the financial costs it's what I think or worry will happen if we adopt. That after preparing for a forever home the child/children are ripped out of it. Slowly processing all the information i'm being provided it's very overwhelming. The thought that maybe this will build the steps that allows the ability to connect to the bridge that takes me to my children would be awesome. I'm jumping ahead. You want to know that the decision that you have made is one that you will not regret. Weird things happened after I decided "let's explore this option like really dive into the whole thing and see if this is something we can do..." Two songs came on "outside the fire" Garth Brooks and "A new day has come" Celine Dion. Well maybe just nothing more than timing........

I asked for a sign but I don't know.....

A friend spoke of her intention to have a second child. I laughed to myself "i would be happy with just one." So at the end of the evening I am putting up laundry and I said "if I will be a parent in a year from now then give me a sign like a light going out...." As I continued to hang up and put away nothing.....I smiled as I left the room and thought I was being foolish and as I went to leave the light over my head went out.......Maybe in a year from now I will be able to tell if it was a freak thing or truly the sign I had asked for.

I wish someone would come along and say you are going to get to motherhood your journey has the happy ending in site.....but that isn't going to happen and no one truly knows. So i'm left with some bit of hope the dries up faster and faster.

So I remember the frustration if I consider going back.

I won't go into everything that happened at the doctors yesterday but it wasn't the greatest experience. The short of it is my current RE and I are parting ways he doesn't know that yet. My weight loss is not moving fast enough for him and as he stated yesterday I must not really want to be a mom and I'm not taking this very seriously. He said a lot to me yesterday. At one point he opened up my chart said re:"you have a high thyroid..oh wait wrong line. So we ready for a second IUI?"
Me: you told me we were going to pursue IVF.
re: "Oh I did? Are you still on clomid and metformin?"
Me: You took me off Metformin last time I saw you and I haven't been on clomid in over a year.
re: "I did? Let me see here."

At one point he said my husbands sperm was diminishing everyday and the longer we wait the less of a chance anything is going to work and we might want to look into freezing it. Yeah it just got worse and worse. I kept looking at my purse debating if I should pick it up and get out of there. I was able to make it out of the office and to my car before I burst into tears and spent what felt like forever to get my emotions in check enough to drive home.

I had a previous RE who was so different and great but my insurance wasn't going to pay for them anymore. I'm very frustrated and partly upset. I talked it out last night with a few different people and was able to get into work today. A girl who just got married is now pregnant and told everyone at work today. I said how great it was and glad she is so happy. Honestly I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone.

I don't know what the next step is going to be but i'm at a stand still. A break from the medical profession and focusing on me and my husband. I need to re calculate. I'm a little lost at the moment.