What is your motivation?

This is long and I'm sorry you might want to break for refreshments or something........
 
Can you guess that yesterday our case worker came over to ask us a bunch of questions, go over forms, go through the house, and so much more. When she left my head was pounding and I took a moment to lay back on the bed and sigh. These next few months are going to be intense really really intense. We start our required courses the end of January which is broken down into 9 sessions for 3 hours. Sadly Steve had to adjust his schedule and was really worried about missing out on the money because after all he isn't going to get compensated for the time he misses. It seems that that is kinda working itself out. We will do what we need to do to get through this. This is just a stone to step on and continue to our next stone. If you get the drift....... So during the sit down at times I got that she was very straight to the point she isn't willy wonka she isn't sugar coating a thing. She said something that kinda upset me "do you expect that to get a child with no problem..." No we don't. The open to discussion line that I wrote in the notes of every page as a suggestion from a woman in group seem to irritate my case worker.  She would break out into what felt like a scolding then say a line like "it's not that bad" or "don't worry we can do this...." I have come to the conclusion that this is going to be an oxy moron process. We have to hurry through the process and be done by February and I was told it could be 4 years or so until we have a child. Hurry up and wait. "But don't worry you are young..." I laugh because if you see a fertility doctor when you hit 30 it's like the world is ending and you have to hurry up cause your eggs aren't what they use to be and blah blah blah blah.......

Anyway we were given a manual that I have to wonder who didn't understand that they have to put clean clothes on a child or give a child a bath or brush their teeth. A few times she called me mother, the mom, or mom. She would moved on and I sat and thought wait what did you call me? This doesn't feel real. I know the point is to have a child but someone is going to call me mom? Seriously? When you go through infertility you realize that you should always prepare for what if this doesn't work or protect your heart so it doesn't shatter into a million pieces if you do in fact build up the hope and it doesn't work, I frustrated many of my infertility doctors and obgyn's because I always said "but what if this doesn't work....." I always wanted it to work but hello reality is might not work. 

So I know i'm rambling and I feel like i'm missing so much of what happened yesterday. She asked me "what is your motivation for adoption?" I had to ask her what she meant by that. I had to back up and tell a little bit of the past in order to understand why we are where we are today. I then responded that we got hurried up and got married in 2008 and hoped to start a family right away but that didn't exactly happened. It's been a long journey with doctors and specialists and the next step would be IVF. But with my insurance the medications are not covered and their is no guarantee because what if it doesn't work. They don't talk about the medications long lasting side effects or what medical issues down the line you may have because of all these hormones you have to pump or inject in your body. I got a taste of the self injections and hormone rages. They aren't fun. I cried for no reason and snapped for no reason. It's pms'ing to the next level. I semi looked at adoption but thought even with the state it was out of our reach. We want a family with kids and if that comes from birthing them or being matched through dyfs adoption. It's not difference in my book. They will be my child loved and cared for period. People will toss in their 2 cents and tell us what we need to do or should do. Have you tried this? Don't do that because of blah blah.... Again people mean the best and are looking out for us even if when they say things you kind of step back like "did you just say that?...." 

Every visit, talk, form, or call from dyfs leaves me emotional exhausted. Did I  mention this is maybe the worst time of the year that we could have done this? When would have been a great I don't know......I will continue to research and not give up hope that this is our road our path that we are meant to go down. Unless dyfs rejects us. I don't know what we will do then. I'm scared to think what we will do then. After the whole window in the green room madness and garbage can. 

We have so much to do until the next visit of January 17th. Right before we start classes. Woooo hooo. Please say a little prayer for us.