Join me at Forever Love

I didn't do a great job of where the new blog is.

http://foreverlovebuildingafamily.blogspot.com/ <==== Here's the link :)

So much is on my brain right now. Sorry it's so late.

We have been approved.

I don't expect "the call" for a long while. Yesterday I asked for a sign that this was going to work out. Well I got a phone call today. Panic set in because it is our caseworker. I'm thinking "oh goodness what is wrong now..." It wasn't bad new it was good news. We have officially been approved by the state. Our caseworker called today we could be called any day she says. Until we get the windows fixed (which should be in the next two weeks) we are approved for one child infant-2years old. When the window is fixed we will be approved for 3. Which opens the door to a sibling group. Let the ride of uncertainty begin.

I'm sure getting the call that you have been matched, approached about fostering, a certain situation that could lead to your forever family is awesome. I really hope that day comes. :) 

If you wonder why I haven't posted in this blog it is because I have switched to the blog named "Forever Love" all about our road down this path of adoption.  I will come back to this as things happen. 

More Songs about Adoption

All of me - Matt Hammitt

Your Song - Elton John 

Who Loves You - Four Seasons

When you come back to me again - Garth Brooks

Unless you go through the home study

Unless you have adopted and gone through the home study process you will not understand. You won't understand why it takes as long as it does. Why it isn't as simple as you thought it was. Why people repeatedly ask "do you know what you are getting or when you are getting it." You want to respond "a headache from this conversation. Why when you talk to me one minute I'm thrilled and happy and the next I'm racing around overwhelmed. The up and down and not knowing when we will get a child or how old. How much it sucks but at the same time it's exciting to wonder. It's a roller coaster of emotions.

I hear people say "gosh this is a lot harder then I thought it would be..." Imagine how we feel going through this. We are a year in and counting. We will get through this part.

I wish people thought before they spoke..... Like I constantly say I'm going to have to find a way to deal with this and "educate" people. Or as Kenny Rogers would say know when to walk away. Sometimes depending on who it is it's almost not worth explaining because they won't listen. 

I need people to say "hang in there" "stay positive" With cheering pom poms "you can do it.."

Yeah

So when I needed to have my cell phone on me it wasn't. I got home early to take care of an animal house issue I had encountered before I went to work. It seems no one had my house line number or my husbands cell phone number. Everything worked out but let's just say I learned what you shouldn't write to someone on facebook message. If you do you need to indicate that the person is at home resting / in the hospital / hey don't panic / everything is fine now are all things that should have been added to the message.

Reminded how in a moment everything can change.

Jury Duty Over and Out (Done)

Ok took a little time to find this blog thanks to a homepage being completely changed.

So today was my turn for Jury Duty. Well my number wasn't picked for either trial. No one is ever thrilled about having to serve at least no one in my group today. I luck out my employer pays me for my day so that means no financial hardship on my end. I don't have any children so child care isn't an issue. So if by me going it means someone who can't afford to or has childcare issues is excused that works. So I'm good for three years. Of course my work will be insane tomorrow, and I'm probably going to be out of my mind but that's how it works. Lots of deep breathes and well it's one day closer to Friday. :)

It is October, and this means that we should be having our last home visit and moving along. The day has exhausted me I'm ready for bed now. 

Less about the gifts more about the time together

That's my goal for the holiday season. To often people get wrapped up in expensive unrealistic on the brink of bankruptcy gifts for everyone. It's a great thought, but I think society focuses to much on the gifts. After all the stores are out for the mighty dollar and if you are shopping to them that's all that matters to them. I want to make sure that my children look back and don't recall items they got, but the laughs, the gatherings, the quality time, the baking, the crafting, and the just being us.

I've been noticing you can do crafting for every holiday with little to no cost. Supplies you may already have. Well isn't that great?

Baking! I love baking for the holidays. Thanksgiving has been a tricky holiday. I've had to replace things that happened in the past and make my own memories. Every year now I make a point of the night before Thanksgiving baking. 

It's been a while...

I haven't been feeling that great over the past few days. The last few weeks have been rough. I did finally get the good word that the social worker has all the paperwork in and closer to October we should be meeting for our final visit. This actually has to happen, and I will believe. It's not that I doubt her I am cautious. If you walked in our shoes for the years we have been going through this journey you would get it.

I still have hope and faith in this process / where this will take us is far out of my control / letting go of what I think will happen and just be in the moment (sometimes easier said than done)

I can't control what is going to happen with this adoption. So I turn to things I can control and let them take my mind off all of this. Thank goodness for certain websites because they allow me to escape all this anxiety about all of this. Someone actually seemed annoyed that I was looking into what kind of cookies to make. I didn't go into details of why I'm so into the holidays. I'm not exactly into the holidays they are just the things I can count on. Well you get it.

9/09/2013

A woman who is normally at work so early never showed, she didn't call on the sick list, she wasn't listed in our system as being off, and no one had spoken to her in over a week. Two officers went to check on her, and we were told we would be updated. Everyone moved along with the morning. Surely their was some reason and maybe any second she would walk through the door. Then a few minutes later we were called into the conference room and told to grab some tissues. A woman screamed "No!" Tears falling from her face. I knew before we were told she had passed away. I am at a loss for words. This cannot be real. I heard the words I heard them talking but they have to be wrong. I stared at the table and caught the shimmer of the ceiling light as it reflected off the shine of the table. I'm sick to my stomach and am on a rollercoaster of emotions. We all are. Her second daughter is set to marry in a month. She was so excited and so happy. Death is a part of life that I don't think I can ever fully accept. Grief comes at us in different stages and different ways. By processing this and going through the waves hopefully this will help. She wouldn't want us to dwell she wouldn't want it effecting our work she would be so mad if she knew that we were called into the conference room.

You don't know when you are going to go. So it shows me that not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the little things. We say that but I am reminded you just never know.

Okay time to get ready for bed.

Last Puzzle Piece To The Homestudy

As good news rolls in bad news creeps in behind it. Our Homestudy should have been completed by now, but dyfs is missing on last puzzle piece. The doctor who did my evaluation and started us up in the process again isn't returning calls from me or my caseworker. He isn't providing the evaluation, and if dyfs doesn't get it in the next few weeks we will be disqualified or our application withdrawn again. I am hoping this gets straightened out. I haven't had a breakdown freak out yet because I'm attempting to be optimistic. Applying twice in one year is already stressful without the added ugg grr hiss moments. Positive vibes and thoughts!

It took about a dozen or so calls to find someone willing to do the evaluation. I got a least a dozen no's before I found him. I really hope he is putting finishing touches on it or maybe he will return from vacation Monday and pass it to me. I'm hoping for the best.

Songs for this week (off of my Journey Playlist)

 

Feels Like Home - with lyrics 

 

 Second video of the song "Feels Like Home" set to the notebook.
I have a playlist called Journey which has a bunch of songs that I have listened to depending upon my part of the Journey to parenthood I have been on. These are a few of them. Actually just about all of the songs I posted are on my playlist.

Home (Yeah I have posted this song before) "Pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. Know you're not alone I'm gonna make this house your home..."
Taking you Home - Don Henley  Taking You Home Video
I have listened to this song so many times. Today I found these lyrics like it was the first time I ever heard them.
"Maybe you reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time you'll know"
Firework - Katy Perry Firework Lyrics Link

New Remote

I say "honey I ordered a new remote it should be here in 3 to 7 business days"
To which he responds "I told you it could be done through the menu bar on the TV."
I say back "so remind me why you didn't do it?"
Crickets chirping.........
Funny these kind of scenarios weren't in the Disney movies I saw growing up. It's something I guess you get used to and as long as you can laugh about it. Not be insulting have it escalate to something bad then you are good.

That picture that reads "I must have super powers I am the only one who sees the messes, dishes in the sink and laundry."
Yeah gotta get used to that.
This doesn't have really much to do with adoption. This week with Labor Day this weekend has been more exhausting then usual.

Our update on our case is a report that was to be submitted by a doctor hasn't been. Without that our case can not move forward. It's a holiday weekend that most likely means he is away. Not going to the negative debbie downer side. Yet! 

Real Mother

I have to get to sleep so this is going to be super short. Often I hear this "real mother."  For instances "are you afraid the child will ask for their real mother." Really think about those words. I correct without bringing attention to it by saying you mean birth mother. It takes a village to raise a child. I may stop people and ask can you explain what a real mom is? I will be taking care of, pledging to be there for the rest of my life for these children, I will protect them, love them, nurture them, feed them, educate them, make boo boos go away, take care of them when they are sick, run them all over the place with sports and activities, do what I can for them, and so on. So does that doesn't qualify me as a real mom? I'm a pretend mom?

You just want to say please read these articles, books, and educate yourself and then come back to me. This shows me I'm going to have to get used to this and maybe have it said in front of my children.

Try

I can't remember if I have referenced this song Try by Pink. I hear it and think exactly. "You've gotta get up and try..." Not just for adoption but anything in life. It would sometimes be easier to say I can't do this I'm done. Sleep step away but don't give up. The video is a mix of dance with some kind of paint throwing stuff.

 

If you just want the lyrics Lyrics for Try

Random Songs of the Week That I'm Loving August 2013

 

Everything has changed.

This is a newer song that is so pretty

Celine Dion - The Greatest Reward

 
 

I am your child - Barry Manilow

  

Performed on Murphy Brown

 

Music of My Heart 

   

It's time by Imagine Dragons

 

Bring on The Rain

Idea For A Photo

Forever
It should bring you to a picture of a parent and child's hands holding the word forever from scrabble pieces. Isn't that just the cutest?

We Are A Team

I have had a few people scratch that I have had a lot of people give me tons of advice and one liners for parenting. The one that sticks out to me is that when it comes to raising a child or children you have to work as a team with your partner. You both are in this together, and what's that saying "united we stand divided we fall" or something like that. The issue is my husband doesn't seem to want to address things until we have children. Well that's all fine and good but when are we going to have time to sit down and have long conversations about what to do and what not to do. I know he isn't researching this and I know he hasn't got anything pinned or bookmarked. I might have a ton of boards  and stuff bookmarked. I may have started following blogs, clipping articles, watching all the nanny shows possible, and so on. Every so often I say to my husband "you know we have to figure out how we are going to be a team. It's really important." He rolls his eyes at me and says "yes in time." I am going to make a point of slowly bringing situations to his attention without it looking like a lesson plan or some boring class. To bad family fued, who want's to be a millionaire, or some other board game doesn't have the "parenting" addition.

I just know if my husband said something to the child and I undermined him, or vice versa it would just lead to more problems. I am even thinking we need a code word or something if we are in a situation that we need the other to step in. It's not going to be perfect it's going to happen, and when it does I know I'm going to have to resist saying "so you didn't read the articles, bookmarks, or watch the nanny shows like you promised me did you?"

Like the other night when I made Oreo truffles. I dipped them in chocolate, and white chocolate topped fancy with sprinkles. I placed them in the refrigerator and went on about my night getting ready for bed. My husband went in got the bread out missed the fact that I just placed the truffles in there and bam boom we have a truffle catastrophe. He went into that mode of "I didn't know they were there I didn't do it on purpose." I said "Yes I realize you didn't go in the fridge with the intention of ruining the truffles. I am frustrated because of the time I spent on it. I'm not mad at you."   

Open To Adoption

So this time last year I was thinking a little about maybe considering looking into the possibility of eventually someday adopting from the Foster care system.  What was stopping me? What was holding me back? Why was I so hesitant? I was afraid. I didn't know exactly how the process worked and have watched one to many lifetime movies where the birth parents come back into the child's life and take the children.

I had to take a step back and look  at what my possibilities or choices I had to become a mother. We were emotionally and financially spent from the fertility medications and treatments we both endured. Even though their is a  mandate for my state my employer is exempt so they don't have to approve or cover any fertility treatments or medications. Why you have mandates for places to be exempt I will never understand, but it is what it is. If we moved to IVF we would have to tap into or tap out financial resources that scared me. Getting pregnant was just one milestone. What if I miscarried? What if it didn't take? What we would do then? I had already been through a procedure where it didn't take. Infertility at any stage can take so much from you. (as I have often said many times)

Live child free was an option. I started to get that "I guess I'm not meant to be a parent." Then I decided I would stop thinking that way. This option would not work for me.

I watch A Home for the holidays which is on only once a year around Christmas. It's a beautiful hour (which I think is to short) of children and their families telling how they got to be a family. Something has always stuck with me one of the stories the boy asked his mother "did you carry me in your uterus?" To which she replied "no I carried you in my heart." I ordered some pamphlets and did some research. I couldn't find out exactly how you would go through the state to start the process. Luckily someone in my office had a name and a card so that was my starting point. I brought it up to my husband, and I can't remember if it was immediately or something we just talked about but we said "let's take this as far as we can go." If it doesn't work at least I know we will have tried. Adoption is not for everyone I'm not saying trying to talk anyone into it. We had to go to an orientation followed by lots forms and home visits. We did the classes, and they gave examples in class and the children she used as examples were not real, but the stories I'm sure have some ring of truth. Something began to click with every article I read every person I talked to every resource I looked into. Here were children who were here on this earth in need of a loving forever home, security, and a family. Here we are two people who want to be parents and can provide a loving safe home. I'm not saying this process of being approved has been easy but when we have been through so much from our journey why should this be any easier? At the end of the day we are going through this to have our forever family.

We aren't approved yet. We don't have a placement. I don't know how this journey will end. I just know this is something that we were meant to do. Every broken dream every failed procedure every heart break has lead to this road. I feel more now then ever that this was the path we were meant to take. I wish we had gone down this road earlier but then maybe we wouldn't have met this child that I know I feel in my heart we are meant to get. If I told you how hectic and crazy this adoption journey has been you would probably look at me and say "why didn't you just give up." I could have, but I'm stubborn, and this little bit of faith I still have keeps me going. Everytime I thought I can't do this I would hear a story about a child who was abused or neglected and I would think "these children deserve more" and I would realize I need to keep going. I can't save every child as much as I would like to. These children keep me going. I know I'm crazy all over the place. 

Once we have our forever family of 2, 3, or 4 kids I'm thinking..... I'm thinking if we have the space of fostering teens later down the line. Who knows maybe I'd keep the door open of adopting those teens.

If my journey ends with no placements and no kids then I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it and accept that.  Maybe I can be an advocate for the children or something. We shall see.

If you are reading this and debating or slightly open to the possibility of adoption and looking for someone to talk to. Please consider reaching out to me or someone or somewhere. Research, knowledge, resources, and talking to people become your greatest tool in factoring your decision.

Sleep

I am exhausted. The process to starting a family can be stressful enough. Summer is a very business time and with the process to trying to be approved for adoption. Long story short I'm exhausted. I napped when I got home from work and my one cat decided to jump off and on mommy. It's a game she plays I suppose. Now she's snoring.

Family is coming in tonight and tomorrow we are providing a nice feast for them. Ahh time to shower clean up and get some zzz's so I can function tomorrow.

Hometown Middle School

So in conversation it appears my nephew will be going to the same middle school I did this fall. Do you want to know the worst three years of my life? Middle school! I hated every second of it. It's the time when your body is already going through the changes and then on top of it you have some kids with something to prove or who are getting teased at home so they will do it to you. In a lot of ways I think that is why I made the decision to never once look in my home town because no child of mine will ever be going there. No thank you. I don't think my friends had the same experience because they were in the advanced classes. Thankfully I had band class. That's the only positive experience in the three years that I was there that I had. Did I mention I hated it? 
Yes it shaped me into the person I am today. Yes it's a piece of my history. Yes it's my hometown. It's just a part of my history I hate to talk about. No one knows what happened or all that I went through.

What makes going through that part of a school filled with bullies at every turn is the teachers who sat by and did nothing or the teachers who were bullies. Sadly one teacher was moved up from a teacher to administration. Awesome give a bully power. Sad truly sad. He told me I wouldn't amount to anything. The next year I made high honor roll and he handed me my award. That was also the same year I played Jenga for the first time. Til this day I greatly dislike Jenga. I wonder if it's connected. I was told tonight that I escaped an attack in the locker room. When you would get changed to go to next period is when they would "attack." I don't remember the incident I must have blocked it from my mind.

One can hope that my nephew will have a different experience. That maybe it's a different place now. Time will tell..........

It will make me very aware when my child hits that age range and why it was so great to hear of resources available if your child struggles at any point emotionally. Time to take a break and get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.