New Remote

I say "honey I ordered a new remote it should be here in 3 to 7 business days"
To which he responds "I told you it could be done through the menu bar on the TV."
I say back "so remind me why you didn't do it?"
Crickets chirping.........
Funny these kind of scenarios weren't in the Disney movies I saw growing up. It's something I guess you get used to and as long as you can laugh about it. Not be insulting have it escalate to something bad then you are good.

That picture that reads "I must have super powers I am the only one who sees the messes, dishes in the sink and laundry."
Yeah gotta get used to that.
This doesn't have really much to do with adoption. This week with Labor Day this weekend has been more exhausting then usual.

Our update on our case is a report that was to be submitted by a doctor hasn't been. Without that our case can not move forward. It's a holiday weekend that most likely means he is away. Not going to the negative debbie downer side. Yet! 

Real Mother

I have to get to sleep so this is going to be super short. Often I hear this "real mother."  For instances "are you afraid the child will ask for their real mother." Really think about those words. I correct without bringing attention to it by saying you mean birth mother. It takes a village to raise a child. I may stop people and ask can you explain what a real mom is? I will be taking care of, pledging to be there for the rest of my life for these children, I will protect them, love them, nurture them, feed them, educate them, make boo boos go away, take care of them when they are sick, run them all over the place with sports and activities, do what I can for them, and so on. So does that doesn't qualify me as a real mom? I'm a pretend mom?

You just want to say please read these articles, books, and educate yourself and then come back to me. This shows me I'm going to have to get used to this and maybe have it said in front of my children.

Try

I can't remember if I have referenced this song Try by Pink. I hear it and think exactly. "You've gotta get up and try..." Not just for adoption but anything in life. It would sometimes be easier to say I can't do this I'm done. Sleep step away but don't give up. The video is a mix of dance with some kind of paint throwing stuff.

 

If you just want the lyrics Lyrics for Try

Random Songs of the Week That I'm Loving August 2013

 

Everything has changed.

This is a newer song that is so pretty

Celine Dion - The Greatest Reward

 
 

I am your child - Barry Manilow

  

Performed on Murphy Brown

 

Music of My Heart 

   

It's time by Imagine Dragons

 

Bring on The Rain

Idea For A Photo

Forever
It should bring you to a picture of a parent and child's hands holding the word forever from scrabble pieces. Isn't that just the cutest?

We Are A Team

I have had a few people scratch that I have had a lot of people give me tons of advice and one liners for parenting. The one that sticks out to me is that when it comes to raising a child or children you have to work as a team with your partner. You both are in this together, and what's that saying "united we stand divided we fall" or something like that. The issue is my husband doesn't seem to want to address things until we have children. Well that's all fine and good but when are we going to have time to sit down and have long conversations about what to do and what not to do. I know he isn't researching this and I know he hasn't got anything pinned or bookmarked. I might have a ton of boards  and stuff bookmarked. I may have started following blogs, clipping articles, watching all the nanny shows possible, and so on. Every so often I say to my husband "you know we have to figure out how we are going to be a team. It's really important." He rolls his eyes at me and says "yes in time." I am going to make a point of slowly bringing situations to his attention without it looking like a lesson plan or some boring class. To bad family fued, who want's to be a millionaire, or some other board game doesn't have the "parenting" addition.

I just know if my husband said something to the child and I undermined him, or vice versa it would just lead to more problems. I am even thinking we need a code word or something if we are in a situation that we need the other to step in. It's not going to be perfect it's going to happen, and when it does I know I'm going to have to resist saying "so you didn't read the articles, bookmarks, or watch the nanny shows like you promised me did you?"

Like the other night when I made Oreo truffles. I dipped them in chocolate, and white chocolate topped fancy with sprinkles. I placed them in the refrigerator and went on about my night getting ready for bed. My husband went in got the bread out missed the fact that I just placed the truffles in there and bam boom we have a truffle catastrophe. He went into that mode of "I didn't know they were there I didn't do it on purpose." I said "Yes I realize you didn't go in the fridge with the intention of ruining the truffles. I am frustrated because of the time I spent on it. I'm not mad at you."   

Open To Adoption

So this time last year I was thinking a little about maybe considering looking into the possibility of eventually someday adopting from the Foster care system.  What was stopping me? What was holding me back? Why was I so hesitant? I was afraid. I didn't know exactly how the process worked and have watched one to many lifetime movies where the birth parents come back into the child's life and take the children.

I had to take a step back and look  at what my possibilities or choices I had to become a mother. We were emotionally and financially spent from the fertility medications and treatments we both endured. Even though their is a  mandate for my state my employer is exempt so they don't have to approve or cover any fertility treatments or medications. Why you have mandates for places to be exempt I will never understand, but it is what it is. If we moved to IVF we would have to tap into or tap out financial resources that scared me. Getting pregnant was just one milestone. What if I miscarried? What if it didn't take? What we would do then? I had already been through a procedure where it didn't take. Infertility at any stage can take so much from you. (as I have often said many times)

Live child free was an option. I started to get that "I guess I'm not meant to be a parent." Then I decided I would stop thinking that way. This option would not work for me.

I watch A Home for the holidays which is on only once a year around Christmas. It's a beautiful hour (which I think is to short) of children and their families telling how they got to be a family. Something has always stuck with me one of the stories the boy asked his mother "did you carry me in your uterus?" To which she replied "no I carried you in my heart." I ordered some pamphlets and did some research. I couldn't find out exactly how you would go through the state to start the process. Luckily someone in my office had a name and a card so that was my starting point. I brought it up to my husband, and I can't remember if it was immediately or something we just talked about but we said "let's take this as far as we can go." If it doesn't work at least I know we will have tried. Adoption is not for everyone I'm not saying trying to talk anyone into it. We had to go to an orientation followed by lots forms and home visits. We did the classes, and they gave examples in class and the children she used as examples were not real, but the stories I'm sure have some ring of truth. Something began to click with every article I read every person I talked to every resource I looked into. Here were children who were here on this earth in need of a loving forever home, security, and a family. Here we are two people who want to be parents and can provide a loving safe home. I'm not saying this process of being approved has been easy but when we have been through so much from our journey why should this be any easier? At the end of the day we are going through this to have our forever family.

We aren't approved yet. We don't have a placement. I don't know how this journey will end. I just know this is something that we were meant to do. Every broken dream every failed procedure every heart break has lead to this road. I feel more now then ever that this was the path we were meant to take. I wish we had gone down this road earlier but then maybe we wouldn't have met this child that I know I feel in my heart we are meant to get. If I told you how hectic and crazy this adoption journey has been you would probably look at me and say "why didn't you just give up." I could have, but I'm stubborn, and this little bit of faith I still have keeps me going. Everytime I thought I can't do this I would hear a story about a child who was abused or neglected and I would think "these children deserve more" and I would realize I need to keep going. I can't save every child as much as I would like to. These children keep me going. I know I'm crazy all over the place. 

Once we have our forever family of 2, 3, or 4 kids I'm thinking..... I'm thinking if we have the space of fostering teens later down the line. Who knows maybe I'd keep the door open of adopting those teens.

If my journey ends with no placements and no kids then I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it and accept that.  Maybe I can be an advocate for the children or something. We shall see.

If you are reading this and debating or slightly open to the possibility of adoption and looking for someone to talk to. Please consider reaching out to me or someone or somewhere. Research, knowledge, resources, and talking to people become your greatest tool in factoring your decision.

Sleep

I am exhausted. The process to starting a family can be stressful enough. Summer is a very business time and with the process to trying to be approved for adoption. Long story short I'm exhausted. I napped when I got home from work and my one cat decided to jump off and on mommy. It's a game she plays I suppose. Now she's snoring.

Family is coming in tonight and tomorrow we are providing a nice feast for them. Ahh time to shower clean up and get some zzz's so I can function tomorrow.

Hometown Middle School

So in conversation it appears my nephew will be going to the same middle school I did this fall. Do you want to know the worst three years of my life? Middle school! I hated every second of it. It's the time when your body is already going through the changes and then on top of it you have some kids with something to prove or who are getting teased at home so they will do it to you. In a lot of ways I think that is why I made the decision to never once look in my home town because no child of mine will ever be going there. No thank you. I don't think my friends had the same experience because they were in the advanced classes. Thankfully I had band class. That's the only positive experience in the three years that I was there that I had. Did I mention I hated it? 
Yes it shaped me into the person I am today. Yes it's a piece of my history. Yes it's my hometown. It's just a part of my history I hate to talk about. No one knows what happened or all that I went through.

What makes going through that part of a school filled with bullies at every turn is the teachers who sat by and did nothing or the teachers who were bullies. Sadly one teacher was moved up from a teacher to administration. Awesome give a bully power. Sad truly sad. He told me I wouldn't amount to anything. The next year I made high honor roll and he handed me my award. That was also the same year I played Jenga for the first time. Til this day I greatly dislike Jenga. I wonder if it's connected. I was told tonight that I escaped an attack in the locker room. When you would get changed to go to next period is when they would "attack." I don't remember the incident I must have blocked it from my mind.

One can hope that my nephew will have a different experience. That maybe it's a different place now. Time will tell..........

It will make me very aware when my child hits that age range and why it was so great to hear of resources available if your child struggles at any point emotionally. Time to take a break and get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.

Reflecting on the week

I needed some inspiration to begin my day so I turned on hoarders next thing I know I'm polishing cleaning and so on. The house is fine, and I've been doing my best to keep it up because I know we are going to have at least 2 more visits. I'm feeling a bit better but until we are out of this part of the process I won't be resting entirely. I started a list on amazon to be better prepared if we do get a placement. I'm trying to stay positive. That way I will know what to get or what I was thinking about. I don't expect anyone to get anything. In fact,I don't have any expectations as I've constantly said. If you want to be in the child's life then make a point if you don't then don't pretend. Also,what and who will be good for the child. That's something to consider. I don't have any issue or think anyone is inappropriate but if someone is doing something or using something they shouldn't be then you better bet I will have to say something. Of course if they don't change limited supervision or maybe no contact.  I do have a concern about someones animal, but I will give it a chance. See how that obsessive compulsive personality starts to lead to other situations that haven't happened yet.

I'm hoping when (if) we do get a placement that we can connect with someone close by because the support is also key. While family tries to understand unless you have been in the situation you really don't. Of course it would be awesome to call or hang out with people who "get it" or are in the same situation.

Time to turn the mind off and focus on getting along this week.  

I Will Remember You (Amy/Sarah)

Second Dreaded Visit Is Behind Us

I think in some ways I have been dreading this visit today but I never expressed the reason why to anyone. Might have started to bring it up but stopped because it's to complicated and detailed to go into and when you have worked through something it becomes your past so why do you have to constantly relive it know what I mean? I've been cranky touchy angry irritated because I knew I had to dig up the past and go over something that happened in 2004. Along with everything else. If I had handled the situation differently chances are we wouldn't have had to go there. What's done is done and I can't go back. See how I go back and forth? I went over everything possibly more than I should have. What was interesting is I found myself listening on what I was saying and realized sometimes you aren't meant to have people in your life. They maybe really great people but when they do things to you you don't need to excuse their behavior and keep them around or decide at some point "hey let's be friends it's ok what you did and go ahead betray me like that again..." Especially if they don't see how wrong and hurtful they were and can't find the words I'm sorry. Again I'm not saying they are bad people just at certain times they didn't make the best decisions and take into consideration other or other peoples feelings. I'm not trying to bash them or anyone or wish them any harm. What's done is done and we can't go back we can only go forward. It may make me hesitate a step towards a friendship with people, but sometimes in life you need to proceed with caution.

I realize any child we take into our home is going to have issues of some sort down the line. I wish I could shield them from the bad in life but sometimes we have to go through the bad in life learn from it and do good with it.

At the end of all I had to say I asked if anything would stop us or disqualify us she said no because I got help and am on the right path now. I just need the written documentation from the doctors to verify that so that we can more forward. Of course until I have that I will have the imaginary conversation with the doctors where they refuse to provide that and in turn our home study is disqualified.

On a side note the house is perfectly perfect, and I could have a dinner party or people over. Of course they would mess it up, and that would be well back to square one so let's just be happy in this moment. The animals were watching us clean and getting a bit upset started pacing and so on. I think they can sense the tension. This after all is where we were the last time when things went down hill and our application was on hold. Hoping for the best. Also hoping work isn't so bad. Fridays are hectic especially when we are down people, and in the summer people take off to enjoy the summer outside the office. I'm saving my days in the hope that we will get our hope child but sometimes I wonder if hope will actually walk in the door. "baby" came up today and I refer to the future kids as "children."