What if we don't ever get a placement or match

I'm lacking in sleep, and my hormones are making me cry over anything. As I sit here and type I feel the tears. So I know I need some extra sleep. You know that Miley Cyrus song The Climb? "there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it..." With every medication and procedure I was always told "this time will be different. this time will work...." By the last procedure I said "what if it doesn't work" and the doctor said "but it will.." Guess what it didn't work. What if we get approved by the state and they never place a child with us and we never get matched? What if we are one of those couples that they push along just to hush up, but "misplace" our file into the paper shredder.

10 Things I am Thankful For

1. My husband & My Mother (they tie)
2. My animals
3. Diet Green Tea
4. Cheese
5. Saturdays
6. Pinterest
7. Friends
8. The ability to try to adopt
9. My past (because without it I wouldn't be the person I am today)
10. Sleep
In no particular order.

Weird Thought

I know a few different people are going to be at the fair tomorrow. I hope I'm wrong, but my predication is the person I have just recently met in my support group will actually stop in and say hello. Maybe even allow us to do an ID for their new baby. While someone I have known for a very long time is going to not make a point of finding where I am or even saying hello. I could have made a point of telling my dear old friend that she should come by and say hello. I won't. This isn't a test or me saying "ha ha told you she doesn't care..." It's just for this time we aren't where we once were. With all the pictures and status updates lately and past few years of how this person is there for everyone and sharing in their special time. I'm kinda like it would have been really nice if you could have done the same for me.  I'm not asking you to go back in time and change what has happened. I'm simply saying look back draw a list, and maybe you will see that you weren't really there for me. It would be nice to hear "If I could go back I would have done things differently and wish I had been there more. I can't go in the past and change what has happened. I can start fresh and want to really be there for you in your new journey on your road to adoption."

I have to accept things and people for what they are and not what I want them to be. Life doesn't always play out the way we would like it to in our head. I can't work on a friendship or relationship all by myself for it takes two to tango. I don't know if you would ever fix it with me because I don't think you get that it's very broken. I keep drifting. Yes accepting you for who you are. Being content with what we once had cause the more time that goes on the more you become a memory......

This wasn't the post I was going for........ 

Last Saturday In July Finally A Chance To Breathe

We turned down two set of tickets for tonight. I just can't. Usually I would jump at the opportunity but this crazy working hours and everything is catching up. If I don't have calm today it will make tomorrow more crazy. 

It would have been nice to take a child to the fair but not this year. Instead, I get to work it for a few hours. We have been dropping small hints that we are adopting to it isn't a total surprise to everyone. By we I mean me.

I have a gift buddy that I'm sending a package of stuff to. She and I have infertility in common. We were paired by some program or someone. I have been looking for an item that I wanted her to be able to keep in her wallet with her at all times if she ever needed to fill that hope tank. I can't find the darn thing and it's annoying me. I have looked it up on the internet and that isn't working either. Tomorrow after the fair I will make sure to make a point of trying two more stores and then I will have to reboot and recalculate. I also want to make her something and that takes time that I seem to not have lately.  It's great to have a distraction and something to look forward to. It's tricky because I know I'm overanalyzing everything I get. I actually walked away from a few things because it seemed to religious and I didn't want to offend her. I found these cute necklaces, but they had Wicca stamped on the holder. I'm like "great she will think I'm so kind of spell witch or whatever...." Ohhh I just figured another store I can try. I'm telling you this started out as few things,and her box is getting filled with some cute stuff. 

In all this lovely daily chaos of everyday life I have to make sure that we freshen up the house. I need more time!

A Prince Is Born

At some point I will scrapbook this, and you will see this and be a little confused as to why I'm annoyed. I don't know if annoyed is the right word. I think it's wonderful that a new baby is born to Kate and William, but hi it only reminds me of what at this time I don't have. My baby cat must have sensed it and demand snuggles. It's super great, and Aww I can't wait but 2 straight hours of updates and I'm done.  

I can't watch a lot of shows that I use to because they all have babies and kids. I'm slowly becoming that bitter infertile that everyone warned you about. I think in some ways that why those murder mystery shows are "safe." Who knows. I need to go to sleep and re-charge.  

Pointed Kiss

This could mean nothing or me finding a sign with every step. I was washing my hands feeling the blues of when will this happen. I walk back into work,and a coworker has brought her son in. He went to say goodbye to everyone and pointed at me smiled and blew me a kiss. The book i'm reading the woman had a moment like this where she fell apart and as she stood wondering when her turn would come a girl walking past took her hand and looked at her like "soon."

Who knows..... 

I still don't believe it.

When do you think we will be approved? The words left my lips, and I hesitated. "why did I just ask that when I feel stuck. what did you do that for?" I know that I'm very guarded. The hubby seems to have more a jump and at one point said he wouldn't even call me if we got a placement he'd just do it. I hesitate to start looking for anything like daycares and so on. The baby gates were a suggestion that I kinda figured we would need because of the stairs.

Something was brought up that I had closed the door on. A baby placement. I hesitated on my answer of "would you take a baby or new born?" I said I'd call the hubby to which the hubby responded he'd take the child and not call me. Thanks ;) Services are made available that I need to look more into. It's brought up the thought of what we need to do in the event that the situation is presented to us. I really think number one is going to be a boy, and he's going to be a toddler still in diapers. I may need to set the crib up for a bit. I could be missing the mark on this and be totally wrong. That's okay.

A small piece of me isn't thinking this will result in anything for a long while. It's that guarded piece of ones heart that helps up from getting any more of our hope or faith shattered. It's protective, and as I'm told the wall that I have up gets torn down when a child comes into it. I know one couple who is closing the door on this journey with no placements after years of having an open license.

I have talked to some amazing people and am reading a book about a woman who writes of her experience and makes me feel that I'm normal and not nuts for thinking or saying certain things. 

As I say everytime I don't know where this journey is going to take me. I don't know if I will find my child/children. When it was brought up about sibling groups with a baby so we'd go from none to 3 overnight I responded bring it. I did ask two of the animals if they wanted siblings. I think Toby the dog thought it was food his head tilted. Pebbles slept through my question "not now i'm sleeping..."