Sleep

I am exhausted. The process to starting a family can be stressful enough. Summer is a very business time and with the process to trying to be approved for adoption. Long story short I'm exhausted. I napped when I got home from work and my one cat decided to jump off and on mommy. It's a game she plays I suppose. Now she's snoring.

Family is coming in tonight and tomorrow we are providing a nice feast for them. Ahh time to shower clean up and get some zzz's so I can function tomorrow.

Hometown Middle School

So in conversation it appears my nephew will be going to the same middle school I did this fall. Do you want to know the worst three years of my life? Middle school! I hated every second of it. It's the time when your body is already going through the changes and then on top of it you have some kids with something to prove or who are getting teased at home so they will do it to you. In a lot of ways I think that is why I made the decision to never once look in my home town because no child of mine will ever be going there. No thank you. I don't think my friends had the same experience because they were in the advanced classes. Thankfully I had band class. That's the only positive experience in the three years that I was there that I had. Did I mention I hated it? 
Yes it shaped me into the person I am today. Yes it's a piece of my history. Yes it's my hometown. It's just a part of my history I hate to talk about. No one knows what happened or all that I went through.

What makes going through that part of a school filled with bullies at every turn is the teachers who sat by and did nothing or the teachers who were bullies. Sadly one teacher was moved up from a teacher to administration. Awesome give a bully power. Sad truly sad. He told me I wouldn't amount to anything. The next year I made high honor roll and he handed me my award. That was also the same year I played Jenga for the first time. Til this day I greatly dislike Jenga. I wonder if it's connected. I was told tonight that I escaped an attack in the locker room. When you would get changed to go to next period is when they would "attack." I don't remember the incident I must have blocked it from my mind.

One can hope that my nephew will have a different experience. That maybe it's a different place now. Time will tell..........

It will make me very aware when my child hits that age range and why it was so great to hear of resources available if your child struggles at any point emotionally. Time to take a break and get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.

Reflecting on the week

I needed some inspiration to begin my day so I turned on hoarders next thing I know I'm polishing cleaning and so on. The house is fine, and I've been doing my best to keep it up because I know we are going to have at least 2 more visits. I'm feeling a bit better but until we are out of this part of the process I won't be resting entirely. I started a list on amazon to be better prepared if we do get a placement. I'm trying to stay positive. That way I will know what to get or what I was thinking about. I don't expect anyone to get anything. In fact,I don't have any expectations as I've constantly said. If you want to be in the child's life then make a point if you don't then don't pretend. Also,what and who will be good for the child. That's something to consider. I don't have any issue or think anyone is inappropriate but if someone is doing something or using something they shouldn't be then you better bet I will have to say something. Of course if they don't change limited supervision or maybe no contact.  I do have a concern about someones animal, but I will give it a chance. See how that obsessive compulsive personality starts to lead to other situations that haven't happened yet.

I'm hoping when (if) we do get a placement that we can connect with someone close by because the support is also key. While family tries to understand unless you have been in the situation you really don't. Of course it would be awesome to call or hang out with people who "get it" or are in the same situation.

Time to turn the mind off and focus on getting along this week.  

I Will Remember You (Amy/Sarah)

Second Dreaded Visit Is Behind Us

I think in some ways I have been dreading this visit today but I never expressed the reason why to anyone. Might have started to bring it up but stopped because it's to complicated and detailed to go into and when you have worked through something it becomes your past so why do you have to constantly relive it know what I mean? I've been cranky touchy angry irritated because I knew I had to dig up the past and go over something that happened in 2004. Along with everything else. If I had handled the situation differently chances are we wouldn't have had to go there. What's done is done and I can't go back. See how I go back and forth? I went over everything possibly more than I should have. What was interesting is I found myself listening on what I was saying and realized sometimes you aren't meant to have people in your life. They maybe really great people but when they do things to you you don't need to excuse their behavior and keep them around or decide at some point "hey let's be friends it's ok what you did and go ahead betray me like that again..." Especially if they don't see how wrong and hurtful they were and can't find the words I'm sorry. Again I'm not saying they are bad people just at certain times they didn't make the best decisions and take into consideration other or other peoples feelings. I'm not trying to bash them or anyone or wish them any harm. What's done is done and we can't go back we can only go forward. It may make me hesitate a step towards a friendship with people, but sometimes in life you need to proceed with caution.

I realize any child we take into our home is going to have issues of some sort down the line. I wish I could shield them from the bad in life but sometimes we have to go through the bad in life learn from it and do good with it.

At the end of all I had to say I asked if anything would stop us or disqualify us she said no because I got help and am on the right path now. I just need the written documentation from the doctors to verify that so that we can more forward. Of course until I have that I will have the imaginary conversation with the doctors where they refuse to provide that and in turn our home study is disqualified.

On a side note the house is perfectly perfect, and I could have a dinner party or people over. Of course they would mess it up, and that would be well back to square one so let's just be happy in this moment. The animals were watching us clean and getting a bit upset started pacing and so on. I think they can sense the tension. This after all is where we were the last time when things went down hill and our application was on hold. Hoping for the best. Also hoping work isn't so bad. Fridays are hectic especially when we are down people, and in the summer people take off to enjoy the summer outside the office. I'm saving my days in the hope that we will get our hope child but sometimes I wonder if hope will actually walk in the door. "baby" came up today and I refer to the future kids as "children."

What if we don't ever get a placement or match

I'm lacking in sleep, and my hormones are making me cry over anything. As I sit here and type I feel the tears. So I know I need some extra sleep. You know that Miley Cyrus song The Climb? "there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it..." With every medication and procedure I was always told "this time will be different. this time will work...." By the last procedure I said "what if it doesn't work" and the doctor said "but it will.." Guess what it didn't work. What if we get approved by the state and they never place a child with us and we never get matched? What if we are one of those couples that they push along just to hush up, but "misplace" our file into the paper shredder.

10 Things I am Thankful For

1. My husband & My Mother (they tie)
2. My animals
3. Diet Green Tea
4. Cheese
5. Saturdays
6. Pinterest
7. Friends
8. The ability to try to adopt
9. My past (because without it I wouldn't be the person I am today)
10. Sleep
In no particular order.