Last Saturday In July Finally A Chance To Breathe

We turned down two set of tickets for tonight. I just can't. Usually I would jump at the opportunity but this crazy working hours and everything is catching up. If I don't have calm today it will make tomorrow more crazy. 

It would have been nice to take a child to the fair but not this year. Instead, I get to work it for a few hours. We have been dropping small hints that we are adopting to it isn't a total surprise to everyone. By we I mean me.

I have a gift buddy that I'm sending a package of stuff to. She and I have infertility in common. We were paired by some program or someone. I have been looking for an item that I wanted her to be able to keep in her wallet with her at all times if she ever needed to fill that hope tank. I can't find the darn thing and it's annoying me. I have looked it up on the internet and that isn't working either. Tomorrow after the fair I will make sure to make a point of trying two more stores and then I will have to reboot and recalculate. I also want to make her something and that takes time that I seem to not have lately.  It's great to have a distraction and something to look forward to. It's tricky because I know I'm overanalyzing everything I get. I actually walked away from a few things because it seemed to religious and I didn't want to offend her. I found these cute necklaces, but they had Wicca stamped on the holder. I'm like "great she will think I'm so kind of spell witch or whatever...." Ohhh I just figured another store I can try. I'm telling you this started out as few things,and her box is getting filled with some cute stuff. 

In all this lovely daily chaos of everyday life I have to make sure that we freshen up the house. I need more time!

A Prince Is Born

At some point I will scrapbook this, and you will see this and be a little confused as to why I'm annoyed. I don't know if annoyed is the right word. I think it's wonderful that a new baby is born to Kate and William, but hi it only reminds me of what at this time I don't have. My baby cat must have sensed it and demand snuggles. It's super great, and Aww I can't wait but 2 straight hours of updates and I'm done.  

I can't watch a lot of shows that I use to because they all have babies and kids. I'm slowly becoming that bitter infertile that everyone warned you about. I think in some ways that why those murder mystery shows are "safe." Who knows. I need to go to sleep and re-charge.  

Pointed Kiss

This could mean nothing or me finding a sign with every step. I was washing my hands feeling the blues of when will this happen. I walk back into work,and a coworker has brought her son in. He went to say goodbye to everyone and pointed at me smiled and blew me a kiss. The book i'm reading the woman had a moment like this where she fell apart and as she stood wondering when her turn would come a girl walking past took her hand and looked at her like "soon."

Who knows..... 

I still don't believe it.

When do you think we will be approved? The words left my lips, and I hesitated. "why did I just ask that when I feel stuck. what did you do that for?" I know that I'm very guarded. The hubby seems to have more a jump and at one point said he wouldn't even call me if we got a placement he'd just do it. I hesitate to start looking for anything like daycares and so on. The baby gates were a suggestion that I kinda figured we would need because of the stairs.

Something was brought up that I had closed the door on. A baby placement. I hesitated on my answer of "would you take a baby or new born?" I said I'd call the hubby to which the hubby responded he'd take the child and not call me. Thanks ;) Services are made available that I need to look more into. It's brought up the thought of what we need to do in the event that the situation is presented to us. I really think number one is going to be a boy, and he's going to be a toddler still in diapers. I may need to set the crib up for a bit. I could be missing the mark on this and be totally wrong. That's okay.

A small piece of me isn't thinking this will result in anything for a long while. It's that guarded piece of ones heart that helps up from getting any more of our hope or faith shattered. It's protective, and as I'm told the wall that I have up gets torn down when a child comes into it. I know one couple who is closing the door on this journey with no placements after years of having an open license.

I have talked to some amazing people and am reading a book about a woman who writes of her experience and makes me feel that I'm normal and not nuts for thinking or saying certain things. 

As I say everytime I don't know where this journey is going to take me. I don't know if I will find my child/children. When it was brought up about sibling groups with a baby so we'd go from none to 3 overnight I responded bring it. I did ask two of the animals if they wanted siblings. I think Toby the dog thought it was food his head tilted. Pebbles slept through my question "not now i'm sleeping..."

For My Child Look it up

If you have a chance in the future look up this date 6/26/13 Supreme Court Decision on Gay Marriage and Tony Soprano. Maybe you agree with the decision maybe you don't. I want you to look it up my child because it is a piece of history. I watch a news program that does today in history segment and I think man that would be great to know what happened around this time. I struggle with knowing if we will know you by the end of this year. If some will walk through our door before you. I don't know. Half of the year is gone so it's hard to tell.

I hear a constant debate about one parent staying home to raise their children, and I know if one of us could we would. That doesn't seem possible or realistic. As you will learn one day with all that is taken out and having to pay and keep a float we just have to do what we do.  I will do what I can to make sure you will have the both of us as much as possible. If I can get us a few full days a month or more. It will be tricky but I will do my darndest. Maybe one day I can work part-time to adjust to your schedule. Ha if only. 

How Many Times

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/plumb/needyounowhowmanytimes.html

I heard this song and had to put it somewhere.
"how many times do I have to make the same mistake how many times until I learn from my mistakes"

I'm annoyed

I'm upset annoyed frustrated and disappointed with myself for believing that you would ever see things my way. That you would ever show a small portion of empathy for my situation that you would get it. Sadly I watch as you take everyone's side and excuse them and their choices and brush me off. I thought I could talk to you I thought you would finally say "I get it." You are wrapped up in your own world of "well I didn't get this and I don't get that and no one ever does this for me or that...." Would you like to go there? Would you really like to go back in history and see who hasn't been there for who? Who could really throw the past up of boo hoo. I don't.