Hold On (another really great song)

The lyrics.......

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.

Running on Faith (a song in my infertility playlist)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFssNucHiQk

If this link works correctly. I think this how you do this but this is still new to me. This is Eric Clapton and the song is "Running on Faith." When I heard this I thought "sometimes I feel like this..." That I'm running on faith because it's sometimes the only thing that keeps me moving.

Penelope the Piggie

What a great find. In case the font is to small it says. "With her head-strong determination and good fortune, Penelope is the perfect depiction of overcoming impossible odds! Her personal wager against anyone using the phrase "When pigs fly!" has brought much abundance and prosperity indeed!

I think it's really great and not even what I was looking for. I went in to get a little something for a co worker who always finds really nice things there. In this one section is random stuff and this little pretty box with a very pretty pig and when I saw the saying i was like awwww that fits perfectly into my life at the moment.  

So much to update and no time to do it

My hope is that this blog turns into a scrapbook to be handed down to any and all future children so that if they ever want to read about how much they were loved and wanted before they were even here they can. Also it provides some much needed therapy for myself to get out what at the time I'm thinking/feeling. I would like to give this out to others to see but then I fear a few things about that but I most likely will. My feeling is if you want to see my journey click and read if you would rather not then don't click. It's purely up to the person how involved they would like to be. I can't believe I spelled involved correctly it doesn't look right but anyway so of course focus! I don't want people to feel that need to rescue me or walk on egg shells around me. Maybe I should come with a sign that tells you what my mood is and a color associated with whether you should proceed with caution, totally okay, don't even talk to me and so on. I have to upload some photos, music videos, and Penelope the Piggie which was not something I was looking for and bam found her. She will be kept close by for a long time. Next post I will explain her better unless you have seen my facebook update in which case you know who she is.

Adoption?

This is something we have flipped back and forth on. What scares me? After you pick yourself up from the financial costs it's what I think or worry will happen if we adopt. That after preparing for a forever home the child/children are ripped out of it. Slowly processing all the information i'm being provided it's very overwhelming. The thought that maybe this will build the steps that allows the ability to connect to the bridge that takes me to my children would be awesome. I'm jumping ahead. You want to know that the decision that you have made is one that you will not regret. Weird things happened after I decided "let's explore this option like really dive into the whole thing and see if this is something we can do..." Two songs came on "outside the fire" Garth Brooks and "A new day has come" Celine Dion. Well maybe just nothing more than timing........

I asked for a sign but I don't know.....

A friend spoke of her intention to have a second child. I laughed to myself "i would be happy with just one." So at the end of the evening I am putting up laundry and I said "if I will be a parent in a year from now then give me a sign like a light going out...." As I continued to hang up and put away nothing.....I smiled as I left the room and thought I was being foolish and as I went to leave the light over my head went out.......Maybe in a year from now I will be able to tell if it was a freak thing or truly the sign I had asked for.

I wish someone would come along and say you are going to get to motherhood your journey has the happy ending in site.....but that isn't going to happen and no one truly knows. So i'm left with some bit of hope the dries up faster and faster.

So I remember the frustration if I consider going back.

I won't go into everything that happened at the doctors yesterday but it wasn't the greatest experience. The short of it is my current RE and I are parting ways he doesn't know that yet. My weight loss is not moving fast enough for him and as he stated yesterday I must not really want to be a mom and I'm not taking this very seriously. He said a lot to me yesterday. At one point he opened up my chart said re:"you have a high thyroid..oh wait wrong line. So we ready for a second IUI?"
Me: you told me we were going to pursue IVF.
re: "Oh I did? Are you still on clomid and metformin?"
Me: You took me off Metformin last time I saw you and I haven't been on clomid in over a year.
re: "I did? Let me see here."

At one point he said my husbands sperm was diminishing everyday and the longer we wait the less of a chance anything is going to work and we might want to look into freezing it. Yeah it just got worse and worse. I kept looking at my purse debating if I should pick it up and get out of there. I was able to make it out of the office and to my car before I burst into tears and spent what felt like forever to get my emotions in check enough to drive home.

I had a previous RE who was so different and great but my insurance wasn't going to pay for them anymore. I'm very frustrated and partly upset. I talked it out last night with a few different people and was able to get into work today. A girl who just got married is now pregnant and told everyone at work today. I said how great it was and glad she is so happy. Honestly I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone.

I don't know what the next step is going to be but i'm at a stand still. A break from the medical profession and focusing on me and my husband. I need to re calculate. I'm a little lost at the moment.