Hope Faith Blau

A new screen name I have on an adoption site. Since that's what i'm running on faith and hope. :)

Savannah?

A few days ago the name Savannah popped into my head and I don't know why. I'm not sure it has any meaning at all. I just keep thinking that is what my future daughters name is. For all I know I am probably completely off course. That's ok. as 2012 closes and 2013 enters i'm thinking this may actually be our year. It would be nice and always great to be hopeful but it may not and I get that. The last 4 and half years have taught me anything it's to never assume something will happen but be realistic but not to much where it cuts you off from reality. Well it would be nice but I don't need to say that anymore in this process.

The linen closet is done for the time being. Maybe the red room will be transformed tomorrow. Wouldn't it be nice? 

I found some adoption blogs

Darn @@@@@@@@ I had a whole post written and it deleted. Darn you laptop!

I found some adoption blogs and reading them has been helpful. To see people where I am now and where I will hopefully end up. With a forever child to add to our household.

So much to do and so little time. I have a 54 page thingy to fill out. Have to go to bed soon before I delete this one too.

I guess I expected more interest

I don't know if i'm reading to much into this or maybe it's just all around me. I guess I expected family to be more "interested" or "involved" in the process of adoption. I don't know that some really get it or why we have to the conclusion that we have. Maybe they are scared to ask maybe we haven't been to forward maybe something else is causing them not to ask about anything. 

I can tell you one family member who anytime I try to say something this person takes everything and makes it about them and then goes on this rant about something they are going through. Hi I'm adopting through the state and doing something that is so far out of my comfort zone jumping through hoops that may or may not result in a child but please lets talk about you and what is happening in your life.

Also I find they assumption that we are going to get a new born. Yeah that's not likely and something that doesn't even seem to be an option. So when people want to give us things meant for an itty bitty baby i'm like no we are most likely not going to get an infant. It's hard to say how old that child will be but it's most likely not going to require to much of  baby stuff. Then again you just never know.

I am not going to say anything to family because I get that everyone has things going on in there life but when I hear some comments I immediately tense up because I just wonder. Do you get it?

Chances are they aren't saying things to hurt me but sometimes it feels that way.

The journey to anything in my life has not been without issues and a very tough rough road. I can't wait till this is just a memory of saying "remember when we thought we would never see this day..." I feel in some ways I have to stay guarded. I'm spinning in circles.

Thunder and sirens oh my.....

It seems in the matter of a few minutes things went kinda crazy. Our thermostat seems to be working with heating system. I thought my husband was intercoming me. I was actually but intercoming myself as I had both phones with me lol. Outside suddenly a flash of light followed by big booms and animals going crazy. Now sirens and heavy rain mixed with wind... It's december people. What the fudge? Not a fan of this weather. I hate wind with the trees outside because I fear it falling somewhere bad and hurting something someone. Making it nearly impossible to move forward with adoption. Please oh please lets get through this. Haven't we had enough of this already? I found myself gathering up the matches, candles, and lighters. Hey when you have your power disappear for as long as sandy life is never the same when any storm hits. Prayers this ends peacefully. May the force be with us all......

The heat is out in the house

So I wake up to find the house is freezing which tells me that the heat is once again playing games. The hubby must have not noticed it or thought hey it's fixed itself before it will do that. So no it just got worse I went downstairs where the furnace is and couldn't see the red light that sometimes goes off to indicate it needs to be restarted. It's now 55 degrees and declining with a nor easter the day after christmas and no one is answering their phone. Finally after exhausting all measures I got the referral for a guy from my  mother he's coming to look at it and hopefully fix it. He actually answered the phone. I'm numb to it because if it's not this it would be something else. I have to get my fractured tooth pulled tomorrow and a dental implant started and you know what that means? cha ching. I asked my husband if maybe this is a sign that we shouldn't adopt right now because everything seems to be falling apart little by little. He said that was crazy. It's always always going to be something. I just wish we could escape the constant rush of money that is required for everything. Trying to think happy thoughts and froth up some hot chocolate on my new machine.

The heat is working in the basement and is now 10 degrees warmer there. Upstairs is still not out of the 50's. It's slowly seems to be increasing. The gurgling has started but it's just not warm yet. I don't get it. I wish I could just shut off. If only. This vacation is beginning to suck with every passing day something else happens. Maybe for 2013 I should invest in a bubble to protect myself.

The bad news is I got a laptop which means these posts are going to increase because it's portable. Hello. Mama likes!

So last week my dog tore is acl.
I fractured a tooth which had a post and crown already on it. Half of the post is lodged in my tooth creating an infection.
The heat is broken.
Our dryer died.
So much more that I can't recall.
2012 I had so much hope for you!
The good news is a new year with new possibilities and new hope are around the corner. 

When your Case worker says....

She was considering private adoption thru an agency. I was thinking. "why not through the state foster care?" 

Am I wrong to wonder why a social worker for the state for adoption. Isn't going through the state. 

Our path isn't for everyone I get that but still.......

How a year can change.....

Looking back at old posts it's amazing where you can be in 1 year. We thought 2012 would be our year a better year. It's not perfect but it's got a glimmer and ray of sunshine. Which I didn't feel last year. I'm guarded and worried and that's normal. I worry enough for both the husband and I.

What is your motivation?

This is long and I'm sorry you might want to break for refreshments or something........
 
Can you guess that yesterday our case worker came over to ask us a bunch of questions, go over forms, go through the house, and so much more. When she left my head was pounding and I took a moment to lay back on the bed and sigh. These next few months are going to be intense really really intense. We start our required courses the end of January which is broken down into 9 sessions for 3 hours. Sadly Steve had to adjust his schedule and was really worried about missing out on the money because after all he isn't going to get compensated for the time he misses. It seems that that is kinda working itself out. We will do what we need to do to get through this. This is just a stone to step on and continue to our next stone. If you get the drift....... So during the sit down at times I got that she was very straight to the point she isn't willy wonka she isn't sugar coating a thing. She said something that kinda upset me "do you expect that to get a child with no problem..." No we don't. The open to discussion line that I wrote in the notes of every page as a suggestion from a woman in group seem to irritate my case worker.  She would break out into what felt like a scolding then say a line like "it's not that bad" or "don't worry we can do this...." I have come to the conclusion that this is going to be an oxy moron process. We have to hurry through the process and be done by February and I was told it could be 4 years or so until we have a child. Hurry up and wait. "But don't worry you are young..." I laugh because if you see a fertility doctor when you hit 30 it's like the world is ending and you have to hurry up cause your eggs aren't what they use to be and blah blah blah blah.......

Anyway we were given a manual that I have to wonder who didn't understand that they have to put clean clothes on a child or give a child a bath or brush their teeth. A few times she called me mother, the mom, or mom. She would moved on and I sat and thought wait what did you call me? This doesn't feel real. I know the point is to have a child but someone is going to call me mom? Seriously? When you go through infertility you realize that you should always prepare for what if this doesn't work or protect your heart so it doesn't shatter into a million pieces if you do in fact build up the hope and it doesn't work, I frustrated many of my infertility doctors and obgyn's because I always said "but what if this doesn't work....." I always wanted it to work but hello reality is might not work. 

So I know i'm rambling and I feel like i'm missing so much of what happened yesterday. She asked me "what is your motivation for adoption?" I had to ask her what she meant by that. I had to back up and tell a little bit of the past in order to understand why we are where we are today. I then responded that we got hurried up and got married in 2008 and hoped to start a family right away but that didn't exactly happened. It's been a long journey with doctors and specialists and the next step would be IVF. But with my insurance the medications are not covered and their is no guarantee because what if it doesn't work. They don't talk about the medications long lasting side effects or what medical issues down the line you may have because of all these hormones you have to pump or inject in your body. I got a taste of the self injections and hormone rages. They aren't fun. I cried for no reason and snapped for no reason. It's pms'ing to the next level. I semi looked at adoption but thought even with the state it was out of our reach. We want a family with kids and if that comes from birthing them or being matched through dyfs adoption. It's not difference in my book. They will be my child loved and cared for period. People will toss in their 2 cents and tell us what we need to do or should do. Have you tried this? Don't do that because of blah blah.... Again people mean the best and are looking out for us even if when they say things you kind of step back like "did you just say that?...." 

Every visit, talk, form, or call from dyfs leaves me emotional exhausted. Did I  mention this is maybe the worst time of the year that we could have done this? When would have been a great I don't know......I will continue to research and not give up hope that this is our road our path that we are meant to go down. Unless dyfs rejects us. I don't know what we will do then. I'm scared to think what we will do then. After the whole window in the green room madness and garbage can. 

We have so much to do until the next visit of January 17th. Right before we start classes. Woooo hooo. Please say a little prayer for us.