Everyone Else's Eyes

I am still a little upset about the events over the past few days. I do not have an issue getting a psychological exam. I feel judged, but I have to remember that through all this it's not about me. Well it is and it isn't. They need to make sure that we are okay to care for a child. I can't let someone who sees my name on a piece of paper who has never met me who is taking information second or third hand who has decided that I'm not taking something seriously and so on.

I'm upset about how much money this will run. Let's exam this shall we? I get to pick someone who doesn't work for the place i'm adopting from who doesn't have a stake in this and is a third party who I will answer any and all questions to.  It's a circle and a lot of what if's until I get this done. I just hope this is the last hoop.

I really understand why some don't pursue this option and why some are upset with the "system." I feel like I'm being judged hardcore and I want to explain myself and go on the defensive. I don't like that.

Here's a great quote "Please do not judge me by my past I don't live there anymore...."

If you hear someone tell you of their experience and they seem numb or not to show enough emotion or feel like maybe they are sweeping it under the rug. Maybe it's because they worked through the issues and did very intensive therapy and worked every detail out. Maybe their care worker told them to never feel as if you have to explain every detail to every tom dick and harry.

I don't know if I could go through this process again. If everything works and we get the privilege of having a child I might feel differently.

"the adoption was hard. the love is easy"

Odd Life of Timothy Green

 

 you were ready you were always ready never give up

 

If you came to me and said," there are two people in the world who wants you more than anything, they would do their best to make some mistakes and you will only get them, for a short time. They will love you more than you could ever imagine when that's true, I say, so much is possible."

The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

Annie?

I just saw an advertisement for Annie the musical. I worry that with the sudden interest back into this movie that people will think that's what our experience will be like. I have a hard enough time trying to explain to people how the process works. No it's not like a drive thru where you place your order and pull around to get your "order." I can see a nephew singing the sun will come out tomorrow....... If memory serves me correct Matilda is kinda like that. Oh goodness.....

Small Update

Training is done, and it's a great accomplishment. In a weird twist we went from getting in the mind set of working a crazy schedule and going to class traveling to and from to wow we are finished. A lot of stuff is covered in such a short span and left me not wanting to really blog here. Emotions twisted upside down, and you are left with this reality of what these childrens may have had to go through. A lot is worse case scenario and won't see, but it stays with you.

People continue to ask daily if I have a baby yet? No otherwise I wouldn't be at work and number 2 what if my first child isn't a baby.

My animals have been extra cuddly today and wanted extra mommy snuggle time. I had a very busy weekend. It's funny how something like this class and this past crazy weekend can mess with the animals.

Time for bed and maybe some more blogging with a better post. 
 

M has found his forever home

M is a little boy I found on adoptuskids.org and tonight I noticed that through my searching he was no longer listed. Which most likely means he has found his Forever Family. That is really great for him. He wasn't out of New Jersey and I realize that would be an adjustment for any child to go in a different state. Some require families to be in the same state these kids are from and I totally get that. Their birth family members may want visitation or contact with siblings. I knew this day would come when I didn't see him on the list but just didn't realize it would be today. I did find a little boy in New Jersey but he is allergic to dogs and cats really any animal so there went that. A lot of the kids that are featured do requiring a lot of supervision or special medical needs.

My car went in for an oil change and it needed much more than that. The most work it's needed in a long time. Tires were the only thing that we have postponed on. I don't know that I really need them. Sometimes you wonder about who you deal with and the trust you place in people. My hope is the car is good for the rest of the year.

Another development is my husband working his second job in the summer and I don't know with a child how this is going to work. It means I will have to step it up big time and truly be a single parent in the Summer. 

Hello Random Thoughts On a Saturday Night/Sunday Morning

Okay so I will do this a little different.
  So I've gotten the "I couldn't adopt I'd want my own kids." I've had a lot of thought on this. I've decided that there is no use in responding other than smiling saying yeah okay and moving on. They will be my kids. Maybe they won't have my  DNA running through there veins, but they will be totally my children who will have been born from my heart not my Uterus. I read a blog where this woman nails it right on the head and has the same reaction just a better way of phrasing it. I have found that the only regret through this process is that I didn't do this sooner. I don't push my decision on you, so please don't place your decision on me.  People who don't understand frustrate me so much.  So like I said I will continue to just smile and remain silent because it's not worth the aggravation on my end to get upset or say anything.

These are the moments

I feel like all I do in class is talk and so many feelings come up that when I get home I'm tired of talking. Does that make sense? My baby girl Pebbles is snuggled on me at the moment. This will go on all day. She will find me sitting down and make herself comfy. I woke up she was in my arms purring and giving kisses. I don't know how she will handle a new person in the house, but something tells me another person to snuggle with, play with her, feed her, and so on isn't a bad idea in her book. I know I have a lot to do today or more like this weekend but this moment of snuggles while I research ideas for my future kids, check pinterest, check my email, and watch whats on tv is a great moment in my book.

My cell phone just went off and it's nowhere near me. Ugg this moment may have to be put on hold for a few.