I will go into more detail as times goes on. I am keeping this to look back on and make a book for this future baby or babies to know just how much you were wanted before you were even born. I use to play with dolls when I was little. How hard was it to just go to the store or wait for a holiday to get that new baby doll to play with. At one time I had about 6 babies. "Dad" was always away on business. These were my kids and I was raising them. It was something that I always wanted to do and looked forward to. Times moved on and I was exchanging my dolls for purses with lipstick and Friday nights out with friends. When High School ended some of the people I went to school with were parents and some were married or getting married. Everything moved fast and still I knew that my time would be somewhere in the future. When I met my husband I knew he would be the father of my kids I just didn't realize the struggle it would take the years we would need and the emotions that would go into it. We made the decision to hurry up and get married so that we could start our life. Sure we had been engaged for a while but when you start realizing that time isn't stopping and you are going to be 30 in a few years and you want to have kids right away because if they are going to be a few years apart then naturally you have the first kid at 28 the second at 33 and the third at 36 maybe 37. But wait? I'm 30 we've been trying several years and I don't even have one kid? You can have a plan for your life but life has another plan for you. Even as I sit and type I watch my adorable fur babies snuggling together near mommy. They are the closest that I have to kids and always have a purr or cuddle to lend. So back to babies.
I've watched as people I know have had one or more children while I still don't have even have one. My sister who was done with having kids announced she was pregnant. All the while I just wonder more and more when is it my turn? Haven't I been good? Don't I deserve a chance to be a mother? We all do it's just not as easy as going to the store and getting one.
Sometimes i'm angry at the world and I'm angry at myself. I want to be able to wave a wand or wake up when this is all over but that doesn't get to happen. I'm so upset I wonder if I have the strength to keep on fighting this fight. I want to just adopt but that costs 10's of thousands of dollars. Many children in this world who need a loving home who wish is for their own room or a loving family. My husband and I could provide that.
In time I keep saying in time. Will update more.
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