But I tried.....

When a cycle ends in a bfn (big fat negative) it is referred to as "failing" "failed." I don't like that word fail....Never have and never will. I tried and it didn't work. Doesn't that sound better? Maybe it's the emotional attachment to the word that is placed in us long before we remember. Maybe I had a teacher who used it so much to mean a very negative thing that the sound of that word stirs up that emotion. When you are trying for a baby the last thing you want is a bfn or to hear "fail." I wish there were cushiony (that's not a word I know) words to help ease the fall and the emotion of realizing it didn't work this month. I can tell you this that when I do have kids the fail word is going to not be permitted in the house or at the dinner table.

Fail
Infertility
Words that together stir up a double round of negative, sad, and sometimes anger emotions....

Our Journey

I will go into more detail as times goes on. I am keeping this to look back on and make a book for this future baby or babies to know just how much you were wanted before you were even born. I use to play with dolls when I was little. How hard was it to just go to the store or wait for a holiday to get that new baby doll to play with. At one time I had about 6 babies. "Dad" was always away on business. These were my kids and I was raising them. It was something that I always wanted to do and looked forward to. Times moved on and I was exchanging my dolls for purses with lipstick and Friday nights out with friends. When High School ended some of the people I went to school with were parents and some were married or getting married. Everything moved fast and still I knew that my time would be somewhere in the future. When I met my husband I knew he would be the father of my kids I just didn't realize the struggle it would take the years we would need and the emotions that would go into it. We made the decision to hurry up and get married so that we could start our life. Sure we had been engaged for a while but when you start realizing that time isn't stopping and you are going to be 30 in a few years and you want to have kids right away because if they are going to be a few years apart then naturally you have the first kid at 28 the second at 33 and the third at 36 maybe 37. But wait? I'm 30 we've been trying several years and I don't even have one kid? You can have a plan for your life but life has another plan for you. Even as I sit and type I watch my adorable fur babies snuggling together near mommy. They are the closest that I have to kids and always have a purr or cuddle to lend. So back to babies.

I've watched as people I know have had one or more children while I still don't have even have one. My sister who was done with having kids announced she was pregnant. All the while I just wonder more and more when is it my turn? Haven't I been good? Don't I deserve a chance to be a mother? We all do it's just not as easy as going to the store and getting one.

Sometimes i'm angry at the world and I'm angry at myself. I want to be able to wave a wand or wake up when this is all over but that doesn't get to happen. I'm so upset I wonder if I have the strength to keep on fighting this fight. I want to just adopt but that costs 10's of thousands of dollars. Many children in this world who need a loving home who wish is for their own room or a loving family. My husband and I could provide that.

In time I keep saying in time. Will update more.

Medications not covered

RE wants me to do IUI. Have to go on a few different medications. Mendalls Pharmacy was who we were using. Until I got the phone call that Medco is refusing to pay for the medication. After 4 different reps they finally said "infertility medications are not covered under your plan." BCBS is our medical insurance and so far covered any procedure we have needed. I live in New Jersey and my employer has over 50 people. I am trying to understand the mandate in my state and it seems that some portion of medication should be covered. I called care mark which is a pharmacy through BCBS and explained to them my situation. Currently my claim is being evaluated and they are going to get back to me. Does anyone have any advice, links, or phone numbers that I could try? I wasn't anticipating this emotional roller coaster before the procedure. I appreciate any feed back. Thank you.
A little update on this is that since my employer has a separate plan for prescription medications and one for health insurance the NJ state mandate does not apply to them. I spoke to my hr person who said they do not offer fertility medications in the plan never have and never will there was nothing she could do. I went as high up as I could in bcbs and Medco. Medco still refuses to get back to me and bcbs said that because we don't have Caremark or prescription coverage through BCBS they can't help me. I didn't realize that working for a place with over 3,000 could come back to bite me so hard. I was also told that since this is "government" they can write up any rules to their plan. I can tell you that if one of the Freeholders had this happening to them I'm sure they would find a way to write it into the policy and have it covered. It annoys me but will not stop me from having a family one way or another. Starting a family is hard enough without the added pressure of trying to figure out where thousands of dollars is going to come from for fertility medications.

I am truly disappointed more and more with a place that strives to do good and be good for the people. When reality is they don't care because if they did I wouldn't need to keep dodging these hoops. It isn't enough that you want to constantly take things away from us but now you are going to try and stop me from having a family? I truly hope no loved you know has to go through this or if any of you decided to start a family that you aren't faced with this financial burden. 

The "hits" keep on coming

In order for us to see this Reproductive Endocrinologist we had to first go through our Lovely insurance. Have I told you lately how much I truly love you insurance company? No? That's because I don't and everything I do that involves you is a fight. Which we did and we were told what we could have done. Unlimited IUI's and 4 IVF cycles. The first IUI did not work when I informed my doctor that because I had a separate plan for prescriptions which meant that my "employer" does not fall under the mandate and all medications for infertility we have to pay 100% out of pocket. Do you know the thousands of dollars that were shelled out just for one IUI cycle? My doctor called his staff and asked them to look into it. I asked for their help back when I was trying to get the medication they told me they couldn't help me. Funny how when your boss calls you suddenly you are so quick to find some answers. Well answers were found just not the greatest.  As it turns out our insurance is now refusing to cover anything further with this doctors office they are refusing to cover the IUI that they already ok'd that the doctors office has a stamped "approved" from. They assured me that they will fight my lovely insurance company if all else fails they will right it off. Meaning I will not be billed. Just another issue we can no longer use them. I filled out the form to get all my records and proceeded on after thanking the women for their help.

I had no emotion I wasn't sad, happy or anything. I just was focused on getting a new in network RE. I researched all those in network and found they all got horrible reviews. So when a new place came up I clicked on it and liked what I saw did some more researching and discovered he specializes in endo and pcos. Which I have both of. I have a consult with him in hopes that I will have my file and not have to repeat any of the pre-testing that took months to get done. I am trying to remain optimistic. I am trying.....